ITT: SAD JEDI

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan stood behind the little hovel he called home, tending to Rooh-the-eopie. He watched the first of the two suns sink below the horizon, halving the amount of light that bathed the desert. Dusk was here, and soon so would night, and so too would the bad dreams arrive: the images of terrified younglings and friends dying. But he closed his eyes against the early onslaught of thoughts. There was no need to let them plague him before their time; if he let them take him at any moment at all then there was no way that he could go on.

Opening his eyes, he stroked Rooh's snout carefully, calming her as she became restless. He made sure she was secured, fed and watered, then he moved onto her son, Tooh. Tooh wasn't big enough yet to be ridden, but that was alright. When he took Ferus to Mos Eisley they could walk and he would lead the eopies with them. He could ride Rooh home, or pick up some supplies and have her carry them. But the walk there would be good for them all, he thought.

Ferus Olin was inside the hut, taking care of whatever would pass for dinner that night. It wouldn't be long now before they parted ways, before Ferus took his leave to Alderaan, but for now the company was something of a comfort. Ferus was family, though they hardly got along perfectly. Ferus mouthed off, for one thing, and questioned Obi-Wan regularly. It was a little like having Anakin--

Obi-Wan stopped his thoughts again, patting Tooh and straightening up. Ferus wasn't Anakin. He never would be. But he had come closer to becoming Anakin than either of them dared talk about.

For now there was much pain for both of them.

He stood on the hill, looking east, toward the Lars homestead in the far distance. He waited for the second sun to set and wondered. He wished he could reach out with the Force to Luke, check that all was well, but he couldn't connect to him. Shouldn't, even if he could.

It was lonely in the desert, so far from everything, even with Ferus there. In some ways, Obi-Wan thought, more so because Ferus was there, comfort or not. They had both lost so much: friends, family, purpose. More than Obi-Wan could bear, he thought some days. But now they were guardians of the galaxy's hope. It would be a long, difficult job, but Obi-Wan would shoulder that burden. He only hoped that Ferus could too. He didn't know how the young man was coping. Obi-Wan barely knew how he was coping.

The sun finally disappeared, leaving him in relative darkness before the stars began to twinkle into life. He turned his chin up to the sky, searching for familiar constellations he would never find from this remote planet. He had never paid much attention to Tatooine in the past, even knowing it was Anakin's homeworld. It wasn't as if it should have mattered. But a remarkable amount of the galaxy seemed to orbit around this little planet on the outer rim.

And here they were, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ferus Olin. Two men, stripped of everything, almost ready to say goodbye. How long would they need to hold together before peace returned?

Comments

[bellassa]

Thinking again of his beloved Bellassa, Ferus shook his head in disagreement. No, they couldn't count on being liked, but it wasn't something he would readily dismiss, either - as if the hatred and suspicion they both faced didn't make a difference.

"Maybe", he said tersely. "But that doesn't mean I'll resign myself to hatred and disdain."

If that was a little pointed towards Obi-Wan's own acceptance, then so be it. For all that Ferus cared about him, he could still be at odds with him.

"The Empire made me a traitor on Bellassa. I had to appear in public with the Emperor and Vader. The Eleven ... I knew what that meant for them. I used to be an inspiration", he added with a quick, rueful smile, "but they put a stop to that. There's no spirit left there now. I could feel it happening."

He'd been ready to get out. Roan had been willing to come with him, leave Bellassa with him if he had to, but then he'd-- and Ferus had stayed, blinded by his grief and fury and the promise of revenge.

And that hadn't helped the resistance he'd fought so hard for. In the end, it hadn't even been worth it, and though the role of traitor was only one he'd played, he felt like parts of it were true.

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan was silent as he listened to Ferus. He did not know much of this, so it was good to hear Ferus open up about it and tell him what had happened. One of the many things that had led to the tragedies in Ferus's own story. He had heard, vaguely, of it, but only in retrospect. There were rumours among the cantinas in Mos Eisley, but it had been far too late then. And it wasn't as if he had heard or seen any real detail.

What would Obi-Wan have said, had he known it was coming? Could he have told Ferus it wasn't worth it, to impersonate an allegiance with the Empire? Yes, likely. Would Ferus have listened? Entirely possibly not.

But there were enough regrets between them to not focus on that.

He nodded.

"A much more personal betrayal than the supposed turning of the Jedi on the Republic," he said softly. He looked over to Ferus, studying him. "And yet one of many. This Empire has done nothing if not engineer and plant betrayals and deceptions. It seems their specialty to turn friends upon one another."

And just like that, he was thinking of Commander Cody again. A friend and a comrade. Could Obi-Wan blame him for following orders from the Chancellor? For turning on Obi-Wan when his entire life had been structured around being a soldier, a follower? He wondered what happened to him after the Wars. Had the Emperor at least been kind enough to spare those Clones loyal to him? To reward them?

Obi-Wan sighed.

"One day, these wrongs will be righted. A new rebellion will rise. I am simply sorry that it was not yours."

[bellassa]

Ferus softened again at the simple words, the gentle sympathy. He shook his head again though, even as he tipped his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.

"It wasn't mine", he said with a sad and tired gentleness, reserved for the people and the planet he'd adopted, had grown to love so fiercely. "It was ours."

It truly had been. The Bellassans protected each other unfailingly and were brave and strong in the face of Imperial presence and the Emperor's veiled threats. He'd personally known most members of the resistance, and even as its numbers came to be counted in the hundreds, he'd tried to make sure he knew at least of everyone, had at least heard their names.

Impossible, of course. But between him and Roan and Wil and the others, they'd known all of them. And the network that was the Eleven had continued to grow. Had done so much. Enough to make Ferus a wanted man.

He'd failed them. All of them. And most of them would know him only as a traitor - the only ones that he imagined would still hold him to some kind of regard were Amie and Dona, and he hoped Roan's family still believed him.

Trever wouldn't remember him at all, Ferus thought, feeling the knowledge twist painfully inside him. He'd make sure. As much as it hurt. At least he could prevent the boy from dying for a while longer.

[form_iii]

"Of course," Obi-Wan conceded softly, nothing but sympathy in his voice. He thought that he could understand the sentiment well enough, having always been a part of something larger than himself. Ferus, too--first the Jedi, then the resistance. And that was the thing, the resistance had been so much more than Ferus... and yet Ferus's staged betrayal was still a deep wound to the Bellassans.

He could see how. He had been impressed by the Bellassan people's dedication to one another, their willingness to stand up against injustice. He had seen how willing they had been to help Ferus and the Eleven.

Funny how injustice did that, brought people together against it.

Shaking his head, Obi-Wan did not speak for a moment. When he did, his voice was a firmer, "all the same, I think that the resistance will have paved the way for the future. Hope does not disappear so easily."

[bellassa]

Breathing out slowly, Ferus considered that for what felt like a long moment. He didn't feel particularly hopeful himself. It was a concept he didn't use to struggle with but found that he was now, which, he supposed, wasn't all that surprising after watching so much disappear.

He'd pour what hope he gained into the Princess, and if he didn't find it eventually he knew he would still guard her like she was hope embodied. That's almost how Obi-Wan had put it, besides.

But he wasn't thinking much of her. Instead he thought back on Roan.

Had Ferus' hope died with him? He thought so. He wasn't sure how to reclaim that or anything else tied to that loss. He still felt like he was split open, the edges raw and messy, unable to fit together anymore.

Lifting a hand to press his fingers into his eyes, he said quietly, realizing he wasn't responding to Obi-Wan so much as his own thoughts but not caring, "I was going to leave. Walk away, get underground. It would have embarrassed them. And let everybody else know I was still on their side."

[form_iii]

He watched Ferus quietly, frowning to himself as he thought, too. Of course it wasn't that simple or straightforward to Ferus. And of course there would always be more to say for Ferus, on the rebellion and on Bellassa and on his planet-sized grief. He could not blame him for that in the slightest.

Obi-Wan nodded, but he wasn't sure what to say, exactly.

He had already offered sympathy. He knew it didn't do much to repeat it, especially when it was so ineffective in the first place. Ferus needed more than that. Deserved more than that. But what could Obi-Wan give him?

Far less than he would have liked, that was certain.

"The Empire's grip on the galaxy will not last forever," he said, almost more to himself than Ferus. Reminding both of them that while they were to wait, to bide their time, it was not futile. Things would come to right again.

[bellassa]

"No", he agreed, lowering his hand again and blinking against the dull imprints of colour that the pressure against his eyes had left. Again, he let the crystal change hands. It was quickly becoming a self soothing gesture, but he still felt dark as he looked again towards Obi-Wan - and then once more out into the desert. "But a lot of people won't be there to see that change."

If it were day, that probably would have come out embittered and frustrated, but the night quieted a lot of those feelings. He felt sad. He was sad. But he didn't have the energy to hide behind his anger, and was realizing how little it'd benefit him to.

[form_iii]

"No, sadly not," Obi-Wan acknowledged in a low tone. There were a great number of people who would not see the fall of the Empire and peace and order restored to the galaxy. The entire Jedi Order, but for Ferus, Yoda, and Obi-Wan himself. Should even they three live to see the twins retake the galaxy. He understood with a sad clarity that there was no guarantee that they would.

But Obi-Wan was not so foolish as to think he didn't know who it was Ferus was talking about.

Of course Ferus thinks of the man he loves in these moments. It is a strange perspective to be let into. He understands it so well, and yet not at all. And, unsurprisingly, he thinks of Siri again. But when he replies, he doesn't dare speak her name.

"There are some that at least did not see the fall of the Republic in the first place. At least they were spared that much."

[bellassa]

"You mean Siri", Ferus guessed, although it wasn't a guess so much as an assumption, really. He'd thought that way too about her just recently, that she'd at least not had to face the betrayal of a whole galaxy. It didn't surprise him that Obi-Wan was thinking about her, even if he wasn't considering why that was.

He thought again about how he was glad she hadn't died alone, and then strayed unbidden to what Enna Lands had told him when he'd brought her the details of her son's death: He would have wanted you to be with him. That will give me comfort always.

[form_iii]

"Among others," Obi-Wan agreed with a rueful smile. Because yes, of course Ferus understood. Siri was not the only one, certainly, to which it applied, but she was so important. "But yes. If we had to..." What? There was no 'we.' "If she had to leave us, at least it was in service." He had reflected much to the effect of that already, that it was a small mercy but that it was one. But it was hard to avoid thinking about it again.

And it hadn't just been in the line of duty, in service to the Republic that would have betrayed her in the future, but more specifically it was to protect the innocent. In a completely reckless way to be sure. But what had he loved about Siri, if not her attitude?

He was surprised to find himself smiling more earnestly, for all he felt impossibly, infinitely sad.

He thought for a moment before he said, "we mourn for those we have lost. But they have joined something much larger than themselves now."

He could only hope that, as part of the Force, Siri had not been forced to witness tragedy after tragedy that had occurred since her death.

[bellassa]

While Obi-Wan might be able to smile despite his loss, Ferus wasn't yet at that point, or at least not with Roan. And as Obi-Wan said that subtle eulogy over the dead they knew, Ferus felt a sudden urge to sob. He didn't, but his eyes grew wet all the same, and a suppressed shudder went through him.

It was strange to think of Roan that way, honestly. Obi-Wan wasn't saying it, but what he meant was the Force, and everything was part of the Force; of course Roan was part of that just as much as Ry-Gaul and Solace and Garen and Siri. Except Ferus had stopped thinking of death that way since he'd met Roan and it was difficult to find comfort in that idea.

Roan was just ... gone.

He'd been there, and then seconds later, he'd been a body. Just flesh and bones. Nothing else.

And he'd died just because. Siri had died in service, yes. Like she would have wanted, like she would have chosen.

Vader had killed Roan for sport.

"That doesn't bring them back", he said after a long time, struggling with the words and the thickness in his own voice. Obi-Wan would disapprove. It wasn't the Jedi way. Accept the loss and move on, don't let attachments become your reason. Well, Ferus was too late for that, and he knew it. "I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel, but ... sometimes it's all I can think about. That they're gone."

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan sighed, but he bit back the reprimand. It would have been a gentle one, doubtless, but of course he disapproved. But not so actively as Ferus might have expected. It wasn't the Jedi way at all, to hold onto attachments so fiercely. There was danger in that, in trying to possess people. It prevented both parties from moving on, in the end. And perhaps that was selfish of him to reflect on, given everything.

But he did his best to love with an open heart and to accept his losses. It was just far easier said than done. He had his own attachments even where he knew that he should not. He struggled to move on, especially from the betrayal. Forgiveness was not close at hand, for himself least of all.

So in the end he instead said, "of course. Loss is always difficult. But we go on living despite this. It is the best that we can do."

[bellassa]

"Yes", Ferus said, momentarily clenching his jaw. "And the hardest."

He felt distantly frustrated with Obi-Wan for a few reasons. This wasn't new - they were both aware that annoyance would be part of their relationship - but right then, when he wasn't sure exactly what he needed to say but knowing there were answers he craved still, what Obi-Wan was saying became predictable instead of reassuring.

It wasn't Obi-Wan's fault. That was his thinking. He was a Jedi. But Ferus wasn't any longer, not for a long time, and that made their communication suffer at times.

He let the crystal change hande once more and thought about those brief moments where he hadn't wanted to go on. He would, now. He'd moved past finding an acceptance in the idea of execution. But it had been there just a few weeks prior.

What could he say about that? Would he say anything? That wasn't the Jedi way, either. He'd made attachment to Roan his reason to stay alive, and then the idea of revenge the sole thing to keep him going. It was a failing. He was aware.

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan was silent for a moment in turn, but he watched Ferus even in his silence, watching the way he kept moving that warming crystal around in his hands. Ferus was so much more visibly restless now, as an adult. And he could hardly blame him, especially in this situation. Just as he could not blame him for the hardness underneath those words. Frustration was hardly an alien planet to them, especially for Ferus in regards to Obi-Wan. And he understood that these things did not help him as much as he wished they did.

But this was how Obi-Wan thought about things. How he needed to think about things. He was a Jedi, yes, and he needed to uphold and honour their teachings as one of the only ones left alive.

"I would be more concerned," Obi-Wan cautioned his young companion, "were it easy.

"I understand that our teachings no longer hold all of the answers for you, Ferus," he continued, maybe aware at the hidden challenge between them. "But I would hope that they can at least offer some guidance for moving forward. And there is nothing more difficult than embracing them when the answers aren't easy, but that is when they are most needed."

In the long run he was aware it still didn't say much, but perhaps it would ease some of the tension between them.

[bellassa]

It did, although it was with a somewhat reluctant air that Ferus took a breath and then slowly let it out, letting some of that tension go with it. He didn't want to fight Obi-Wan in any way. In a matter of days, he would be everything he'd have left.

But frustration was yet another small thing that was easier than grief and looking too far inside himself. He was still intimidated by what he might find there. Even beyond the darkness there was grief that he thought might paralyze him.

And that wouldn't do him any good, really.

His eyes sought Obi-Wan's face for a moment, but then he looked down at his hands instead, as he spoke.

"I know that", he said, letting the edge-like quality in his voice go, making way for something more neutral. Careful, really. "I used to believe all the answers were in the Code, or with the Council. But after I left ... I've been wrong. I know that, too. But I can't go back to thinking that way. Not when I know the alternative."

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan frowned when Ferus looked to him for such a brief moment before he fled from him again. But he listened intently. He would always give Ferus that much, no matter if they disagreed, no matter how they misunderstood each other.

But he understood perhaps more than Ferus might believe.

"It is difficult to choose," he conceded, "once you've been given that choice. The way of thinking outside of the Order suited you better. I can't fault you for that."

Obi-Wan shifted where he stood, then moved to the small table in the main room, really only a couple of paces from Ferus. He dragged the chair away and sat on the edge of it, leaning forward slightly, hands clasped in front of him. He considered if he should tell Ferus what was on his mind. If he should let him into the notion that he perhaps understood the desire to stray better than Ferus thought.

He decided to concede it. He had, after all, once alluded to the fact that he had desired something forbidden.

"I once wished to beseech the Council to change for me," he began, voice careful and quiet--as if afraid of disturbing something in the night air. "I ultimately chose the Code, understanding the Council would never bend to a Padawan's selfish wish. But it took me some time to decide that I had chosen wisely. There was the question of if the alternative was better. I do not regret my choice. I led the life meant for me. But I couldn't help but wonder, knowing the alternatives." He took a breath, but finally got to the point, "seeing you has helped me realize that one was not better than the other. A different life would have had its merits. Our thinking is so drastically different, but perhaps that isn't such a bad thing after all." The last, said with the faintest smile.

[bellassa]

Looking up at Obi-Wan again once he came closer like that, Ferus did hold his eyes steady on him this time, as he took in what he was saying.

It was rare for Obi-Wan to share something personal. He was a lot more giving with advice or observations or orders, which were usually of little consequence to his personal life. Which Ferus supposed was fair, especially right now, after so many tragedies and losses. It didn't bother him when unless it was to do with him, when it seemed like the older man didn't trust him.

But this was in a way a show of trust because it was personal, because Obi-Wan only infrequently shared those feelings and experiences.

And with the hint of a smile there was a response in Ferus' eyes. A flash, maybe. He pulled his knees further up and rested his arms on them, holding the crystal in both hands, hidden from view but obviously there.

It wasn't too difficult to imagine Obi-Wan challenging the council, but it was to imagine that he'd do such a thing for himself.

"You are a good Jedi", Ferus said after a moment's consideration. A way of saying that as Obi-Wan recognised his growth outside of the Order, Ferus respected and still admired Obi-Wan's skills inside it. "I don't think that I would have been."

Pausing, not sure how to keep going, he studied Obi-Wan for another second. Then he said, with and equally quiet care but allowing something easier in his voice all the same, "In that way you chose well. You are maddening someimes, Obi-Wan." And, a touch quieter still, "But I am glad you found me."

[form_iii]

That was all it took for that slight smile to grow, becoming completely earnest and warm. It was certainly the most genuine smile he had offered since he had awoken from his terrible dreams. It touched him, for Ferus to say that. Not the reassurance, exactly, but the mutual acknowledgement. It was fondness he felt, in both of them.

Obi-Wan inclined his head to Ferus, leaning back in his seat, a gesture to return notice.

"And you," he said, indicating that he was glad too. And that yes, Ferus could be frustrating, that was an underlying sense as well. But it was said with nothing but kindness and the primary message was one of being glad to have found each other. Obi-Wan was not in the business of speculating what might have happened had he not acted to find Ferus, but he was glad that Qui-Gon had encouraged him to follow his heart and go to the former Padawan's aid. With all of that in mind he said, "for all that you do not often like to listen.

"At least," he then continued with a slightly broader smile, "We can improve each other's perspectives of life."

[bellassa]

Giving a small amused sound and shooting Obi-Wan a surprised smile, Ferus said, "ah. That's something I haven't heard in a while."

Something Masters might say to admonish their Padawans and something the Padawans would in turn turn into a mocking phrase for punishment and discipline. Ferus hadn't participated in that kind of talk much when he was still at the Temple, and Siri had only told him that once or twice herself, but the callback to those times and that familiar string of words, well ... it was a part of home, and he appreciated that.

Something they could still share, despite their differences. They had that past.

[form_iii]

There it was; that was really all Obi-Wan had been looking for, getting a smile or a laugh out of Ferus. He had said it for his own reasons, as well, of course, but he had wanted to share the amusement. To give them both something a little better to think about.

But of course, any reminder of the past was poisoned by--well, everything, honestly.

Obi-Wan shook off that thought before it could blossom into pain.

"No, I suppose you haven't been scolded often enough, as of late," he said, but the tone was still very light. It wasn't as if Ferus had done anything wrong, and so he didn't rest long on that. It was a dangerous thing to tease about.

Instead, more seriously and morosely, he reflected, a veritable non-sequitur but connected in his mind, "I think that I will miss the Temple's fountains greatly. Tatooine could use them."

[bellassa]

It was a dangerous thing to tease about, but it was fortunate that Obi-Wan changed the topic so quickly, or else Ferus would have quietly agreed. As it was, while he noted the comment, he let it pass by. Obi-Wan hadn't meant any harm. But even if he hadn't, Ferus was still aware of the harm he himself had done, and painfully so.

Inclining his head a little as he accepted the new topic, Ferus reflected back on the Room of Thousand Fountains, and how it had looked when he'd last been at the Temple. The lights broken, the fractures and broken things casting shadows, the greenery trampled and matted and dead.

"Tatooine could use even a single pond", he said after a moment. "Not to mention grass and shade."

[form_iii]

Of course that was exactly what Obi-Wan was thinking about. That room had been a treasured part of his home. He and Qui-Gon had had many walks there, many serious discussions. It had always been the perfect place for reflection and quiet bonding both.

Obi-Wan was glad that he had not seen what had become of that dear space. He had seen enough of it in the holoscans that he knew that if he thought on it too long he would only pain himself.

"Tatooine could use a great deal of improvement," he said instead, a little wryly. It was a much more shielded version of his sorrow. He was aware that Ferus was a bright enough young man that he probably understood, whether Obi-Wan wanted him to or not. But then, after a moment of reflection, he added, "it can be amazing what people make for themselves here."

[bellassa]

"The eopie herding is particularly impressive", Ferus agreed with a hint of a smile and a glance at his friend.

He wasn't feeling particularly up for banter, but he was using the slight joke to get away from comparing Tatooine to Bellassa or Coruscant, which he knew he was already doing and had done since he'd woken up after he'd collapsed in this little hut.

The heavy things that weighed on him were, at least right then, better left elsewhere.

[form_iii]

"Not as impressive as the banthas," Obi-Wan cautioned mildly. He smiled faintly back. He had done some bantha herding, actually. Neither time had been particularly enjoyable.

He wasn't certain that he had the energy for the banter either, but he would be in agreement with Ferus. It was certainly better than draining himself by thinking of his home.

Obi-Wan wasn't sure what else to say. He was thinking of his short-lived friendships of Tatooine again. Now, Obi-Wan didn't even speak to the Lars family.

"There is a shop nearby, on the Oasis," he said after a moment. "That used to be run by a talented woman. Perhaps we should go there for supplies before you leave."

It was an empty offer, though. He wasn't sure if he could or should go back there. No, Mos Eisley was typically a safer destination. Obi-Wan blended in there better. But he also couldn't deny its convenience.

[bellassa]

Leaving, yes. Very soon.

Ferus dropped his eyes to his hands and looked at the crystal in them, taking a moment before he replied. He thought of Siri again, naturally. Her forwardness and style, but her hidden gentleness and her inability to be fazed by anything.

Would she just go? He knew she would, because she would be dedicated to the mission. He would be as well. But would she have felt the same reluctance? Or would she have been better at looking past those feelings to the goal ahead?

Probably, and Ferus found that he was dwelling on his own feelings.

It was a pause that probably stretched on longer than he intended.

"What do we need?"