ITT: SAD JEDI

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan stood behind the little hovel he called home, tending to Rooh-the-eopie. He watched the first of the two suns sink below the horizon, halving the amount of light that bathed the desert. Dusk was here, and soon so would night, and so too would the bad dreams arrive: the images of terrified younglings and friends dying. But he closed his eyes against the early onslaught of thoughts. There was no need to let them plague him before their time; if he let them take him at any moment at all then there was no way that he could go on.

Opening his eyes, he stroked Rooh's snout carefully, calming her as she became restless. He made sure she was secured, fed and watered, then he moved onto her son, Tooh. Tooh wasn't big enough yet to be ridden, but that was alright. When he took Ferus to Mos Eisley they could walk and he would lead the eopies with them. He could ride Rooh home, or pick up some supplies and have her carry them. But the walk there would be good for them all, he thought.

Ferus Olin was inside the hut, taking care of whatever would pass for dinner that night. It wouldn't be long now before they parted ways, before Ferus took his leave to Alderaan, but for now the company was something of a comfort. Ferus was family, though they hardly got along perfectly. Ferus mouthed off, for one thing, and questioned Obi-Wan regularly. It was a little like having Anakin--

Obi-Wan stopped his thoughts again, patting Tooh and straightening up. Ferus wasn't Anakin. He never would be. But he had come closer to becoming Anakin than either of them dared talk about.

For now there was much pain for both of them.

He stood on the hill, looking east, toward the Lars homestead in the far distance. He waited for the second sun to set and wondered. He wished he could reach out with the Force to Luke, check that all was well, but he couldn't connect to him. Shouldn't, even if he could.

It was lonely in the desert, so far from everything, even with Ferus there. In some ways, Obi-Wan thought, more so because Ferus was there, comfort or not. They had both lost so much: friends, family, purpose. More than Obi-Wan could bear, he thought some days. But now they were guardians of the galaxy's hope. It would be a long, difficult job, but Obi-Wan would shoulder that burden. He only hoped that Ferus could too. He didn't know how the young man was coping. Obi-Wan barely knew how he was coping.

The sun finally disappeared, leaving him in relative darkness before the stars began to twinkle into life. He turned his chin up to the sky, searching for familiar constellations he would never find from this remote planet. He had never paid much attention to Tatooine in the past, even knowing it was Anakin's homeworld. It wasn't as if it should have mattered. But a remarkable amount of the galaxy seemed to orbit around this little planet on the outer rim.

And here they were, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ferus Olin. Two men, stripped of everything, almost ready to say goodbye. How long would they need to hold together before peace returned?

Comments

[form_iii]

"Among others," Obi-Wan agreed with a rueful smile. Because yes, of course Ferus understood. Siri was not the only one, certainly, to which it applied, but she was so important. "But yes. If we had to..." What? There was no 'we.' "If she had to leave us, at least it was in service." He had reflected much to the effect of that already, that it was a small mercy but that it was one. But it was hard to avoid thinking about it again.

And it hadn't just been in the line of duty, in service to the Republic that would have betrayed her in the future, but more specifically it was to protect the innocent. In a completely reckless way to be sure. But what had he loved about Siri, if not her attitude?

He was surprised to find himself smiling more earnestly, for all he felt impossibly, infinitely sad.

He thought for a moment before he said, "we mourn for those we have lost. But they have joined something much larger than themselves now."

He could only hope that, as part of the Force, Siri had not been forced to witness tragedy after tragedy that had occurred since her death.

[bellassa]

While Obi-Wan might be able to smile despite his loss, Ferus wasn't yet at that point, or at least not with Roan. And as Obi-Wan said that subtle eulogy over the dead they knew, Ferus felt a sudden urge to sob. He didn't, but his eyes grew wet all the same, and a suppressed shudder went through him.

It was strange to think of Roan that way, honestly. Obi-Wan wasn't saying it, but what he meant was the Force, and everything was part of the Force; of course Roan was part of that just as much as Ry-Gaul and Solace and Garen and Siri. Except Ferus had stopped thinking of death that way since he'd met Roan and it was difficult to find comfort in that idea.

Roan was just ... gone.

He'd been there, and then seconds later, he'd been a body. Just flesh and bones. Nothing else.

And he'd died just because. Siri had died in service, yes. Like she would have wanted, like she would have chosen.

Vader had killed Roan for sport.

"That doesn't bring them back", he said after a long time, struggling with the words and the thickness in his own voice. Obi-Wan would disapprove. It wasn't the Jedi way. Accept the loss and move on, don't let attachments become your reason. Well, Ferus was too late for that, and he knew it. "I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel, but ... sometimes it's all I can think about. That they're gone."

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan sighed, but he bit back the reprimand. It would have been a gentle one, doubtless, but of course he disapproved. But not so actively as Ferus might have expected. It wasn't the Jedi way at all, to hold onto attachments so fiercely. There was danger in that, in trying to possess people. It prevented both parties from moving on, in the end. And perhaps that was selfish of him to reflect on, given everything.

But he did his best to love with an open heart and to accept his losses. It was just far easier said than done. He had his own attachments even where he knew that he should not. He struggled to move on, especially from the betrayal. Forgiveness was not close at hand, for himself least of all.

So in the end he instead said, "of course. Loss is always difficult. But we go on living despite this. It is the best that we can do."

[bellassa]

"Yes", Ferus said, momentarily clenching his jaw. "And the hardest."

He felt distantly frustrated with Obi-Wan for a few reasons. This wasn't new - they were both aware that annoyance would be part of their relationship - but right then, when he wasn't sure exactly what he needed to say but knowing there were answers he craved still, what Obi-Wan was saying became predictable instead of reassuring.

It wasn't Obi-Wan's fault. That was his thinking. He was a Jedi. But Ferus wasn't any longer, not for a long time, and that made their communication suffer at times.

He let the crystal change hande once more and thought about those brief moments where he hadn't wanted to go on. He would, now. He'd moved past finding an acceptance in the idea of execution. But it had been there just a few weeks prior.

What could he say about that? Would he say anything? That wasn't the Jedi way, either. He'd made attachment to Roan his reason to stay alive, and then the idea of revenge the sole thing to keep him going. It was a failing. He was aware.

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan was silent for a moment in turn, but he watched Ferus even in his silence, watching the way he kept moving that warming crystal around in his hands. Ferus was so much more visibly restless now, as an adult. And he could hardly blame him, especially in this situation. Just as he could not blame him for the hardness underneath those words. Frustration was hardly an alien planet to them, especially for Ferus in regards to Obi-Wan. And he understood that these things did not help him as much as he wished they did.

But this was how Obi-Wan thought about things. How he needed to think about things. He was a Jedi, yes, and he needed to uphold and honour their teachings as one of the only ones left alive.

"I would be more concerned," Obi-Wan cautioned his young companion, "were it easy.

"I understand that our teachings no longer hold all of the answers for you, Ferus," he continued, maybe aware at the hidden challenge between them. "But I would hope that they can at least offer some guidance for moving forward. And there is nothing more difficult than embracing them when the answers aren't easy, but that is when they are most needed."

In the long run he was aware it still didn't say much, but perhaps it would ease some of the tension between them.

[bellassa]

It did, although it was with a somewhat reluctant air that Ferus took a breath and then slowly let it out, letting some of that tension go with it. He didn't want to fight Obi-Wan in any way. In a matter of days, he would be everything he'd have left.

But frustration was yet another small thing that was easier than grief and looking too far inside himself. He was still intimidated by what he might find there. Even beyond the darkness there was grief that he thought might paralyze him.

And that wouldn't do him any good, really.

His eyes sought Obi-Wan's face for a moment, but then he looked down at his hands instead, as he spoke.

"I know that", he said, letting the edge-like quality in his voice go, making way for something more neutral. Careful, really. "I used to believe all the answers were in the Code, or with the Council. But after I left ... I've been wrong. I know that, too. But I can't go back to thinking that way. Not when I know the alternative."

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan frowned when Ferus looked to him for such a brief moment before he fled from him again. But he listened intently. He would always give Ferus that much, no matter if they disagreed, no matter how they misunderstood each other.

But he understood perhaps more than Ferus might believe.

"It is difficult to choose," he conceded, "once you've been given that choice. The way of thinking outside of the Order suited you better. I can't fault you for that."

Obi-Wan shifted where he stood, then moved to the small table in the main room, really only a couple of paces from Ferus. He dragged the chair away and sat on the edge of it, leaning forward slightly, hands clasped in front of him. He considered if he should tell Ferus what was on his mind. If he should let him into the notion that he perhaps understood the desire to stray better than Ferus thought.

He decided to concede it. He had, after all, once alluded to the fact that he had desired something forbidden.

"I once wished to beseech the Council to change for me," he began, voice careful and quiet--as if afraid of disturbing something in the night air. "I ultimately chose the Code, understanding the Council would never bend to a Padawan's selfish wish. But it took me some time to decide that I had chosen wisely. There was the question of if the alternative was better. I do not regret my choice. I led the life meant for me. But I couldn't help but wonder, knowing the alternatives." He took a breath, but finally got to the point, "seeing you has helped me realize that one was not better than the other. A different life would have had its merits. Our thinking is so drastically different, but perhaps that isn't such a bad thing after all." The last, said with the faintest smile.

[bellassa]

Looking up at Obi-Wan again once he came closer like that, Ferus did hold his eyes steady on him this time, as he took in what he was saying.

It was rare for Obi-Wan to share something personal. He was a lot more giving with advice or observations or orders, which were usually of little consequence to his personal life. Which Ferus supposed was fair, especially right now, after so many tragedies and losses. It didn't bother him when unless it was to do with him, when it seemed like the older man didn't trust him.

But this was in a way a show of trust because it was personal, because Obi-Wan only infrequently shared those feelings and experiences.

And with the hint of a smile there was a response in Ferus' eyes. A flash, maybe. He pulled his knees further up and rested his arms on them, holding the crystal in both hands, hidden from view but obviously there.

It wasn't too difficult to imagine Obi-Wan challenging the council, but it was to imagine that he'd do such a thing for himself.

"You are a good Jedi", Ferus said after a moment's consideration. A way of saying that as Obi-Wan recognised his growth outside of the Order, Ferus respected and still admired Obi-Wan's skills inside it. "I don't think that I would have been."

Pausing, not sure how to keep going, he studied Obi-Wan for another second. Then he said, with and equally quiet care but allowing something easier in his voice all the same, "In that way you chose well. You are maddening someimes, Obi-Wan." And, a touch quieter still, "But I am glad you found me."

[form_iii]

That was all it took for that slight smile to grow, becoming completely earnest and warm. It was certainly the most genuine smile he had offered since he had awoken from his terrible dreams. It touched him, for Ferus to say that. Not the reassurance, exactly, but the mutual acknowledgement. It was fondness he felt, in both of them.

Obi-Wan inclined his head to Ferus, leaning back in his seat, a gesture to return notice.

"And you," he said, indicating that he was glad too. And that yes, Ferus could be frustrating, that was an underlying sense as well. But it was said with nothing but kindness and the primary message was one of being glad to have found each other. Obi-Wan was not in the business of speculating what might have happened had he not acted to find Ferus, but he was glad that Qui-Gon had encouraged him to follow his heart and go to the former Padawan's aid. With all of that in mind he said, "for all that you do not often like to listen.

"At least," he then continued with a slightly broader smile, "We can improve each other's perspectives of life."

[bellassa]

Giving a small amused sound and shooting Obi-Wan a surprised smile, Ferus said, "ah. That's something I haven't heard in a while."

Something Masters might say to admonish their Padawans and something the Padawans would in turn turn into a mocking phrase for punishment and discipline. Ferus hadn't participated in that kind of talk much when he was still at the Temple, and Siri had only told him that once or twice herself, but the callback to those times and that familiar string of words, well ... it was a part of home, and he appreciated that.

Something they could still share, despite their differences. They had that past.

[form_iii]

There it was; that was really all Obi-Wan had been looking for, getting a smile or a laugh out of Ferus. He had said it for his own reasons, as well, of course, but he had wanted to share the amusement. To give them both something a little better to think about.

But of course, any reminder of the past was poisoned by--well, everything, honestly.

Obi-Wan shook off that thought before it could blossom into pain.

"No, I suppose you haven't been scolded often enough, as of late," he said, but the tone was still very light. It wasn't as if Ferus had done anything wrong, and so he didn't rest long on that. It was a dangerous thing to tease about.

Instead, more seriously and morosely, he reflected, a veritable non-sequitur but connected in his mind, "I think that I will miss the Temple's fountains greatly. Tatooine could use them."

[bellassa]

It was a dangerous thing to tease about, but it was fortunate that Obi-Wan changed the topic so quickly, or else Ferus would have quietly agreed. As it was, while he noted the comment, he let it pass by. Obi-Wan hadn't meant any harm. But even if he hadn't, Ferus was still aware of the harm he himself had done, and painfully so.

Inclining his head a little as he accepted the new topic, Ferus reflected back on the Room of Thousand Fountains, and how it had looked when he'd last been at the Temple. The lights broken, the fractures and broken things casting shadows, the greenery trampled and matted and dead.

"Tatooine could use even a single pond", he said after a moment. "Not to mention grass and shade."

[form_iii]

Of course that was exactly what Obi-Wan was thinking about. That room had been a treasured part of his home. He and Qui-Gon had had many walks there, many serious discussions. It had always been the perfect place for reflection and quiet bonding both.

Obi-Wan was glad that he had not seen what had become of that dear space. He had seen enough of it in the holoscans that he knew that if he thought on it too long he would only pain himself.

"Tatooine could use a great deal of improvement," he said instead, a little wryly. It was a much more shielded version of his sorrow. He was aware that Ferus was a bright enough young man that he probably understood, whether Obi-Wan wanted him to or not. But then, after a moment of reflection, he added, "it can be amazing what people make for themselves here."

[bellassa]

"The eopie herding is particularly impressive", Ferus agreed with a hint of a smile and a glance at his friend.

He wasn't feeling particularly up for banter, but he was using the slight joke to get away from comparing Tatooine to Bellassa or Coruscant, which he knew he was already doing and had done since he'd woken up after he'd collapsed in this little hut.

The heavy things that weighed on him were, at least right then, better left elsewhere.

[form_iii]

"Not as impressive as the banthas," Obi-Wan cautioned mildly. He smiled faintly back. He had done some bantha herding, actually. Neither time had been particularly enjoyable.

He wasn't certain that he had the energy for the banter either, but he would be in agreement with Ferus. It was certainly better than draining himself by thinking of his home.

Obi-Wan wasn't sure what else to say. He was thinking of his short-lived friendships of Tatooine again. Now, Obi-Wan didn't even speak to the Lars family.

"There is a shop nearby, on the Oasis," he said after a moment. "That used to be run by a talented woman. Perhaps we should go there for supplies before you leave."

It was an empty offer, though. He wasn't sure if he could or should go back there. No, Mos Eisley was typically a safer destination. Obi-Wan blended in there better. But he also couldn't deny its convenience.

[bellassa]

Leaving, yes. Very soon.

Ferus dropped his eyes to his hands and looked at the crystal in them, taking a moment before he replied. He thought of Siri again, naturally. Her forwardness and style, but her hidden gentleness and her inability to be fazed by anything.

Would she just go? He knew she would, because she would be dedicated to the mission. He would be as well. But would she have felt the same reluctance? Or would she have been better at looking past those feelings to the goal ahead?

Probably, and Ferus found that he was dwelling on his own feelings.

It was a pause that probably stretched on longer than he intended.

"What do we need?"

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan, at least, was patient while he waited out that longer than normal pause. Ferus was welcome to his silence and his thoughts, after all. There was nothing urgent about this conversation, after all. Even if perhaps it was far more emotional than talk of a normal supply run would be.

Because Ferus was leaving.

Because if Obi-Wan told himself he was going back to the Pika Oasis, he was most likely lying to himself.

"Water," he replied with an appropriate amount of dryness, "of course; feed for the eopies, if Tooh insists on eating so much of it; a few parts for the vaporator, so that these supply runs are less inconveniently frequent."

He shook his head, though. All of that was available at Dannar's Claim, which was closer. But yes, he was lying to himself. He had rarely wanted to go there when Annileen and her family had been running the store. Perhaps there was a foolish expectation that maybe, if he went now, his friend would be there. He knew that she wouldn't. He knew that even if she were, he probably would no longer be so welcome as he once was.

No. Obi-Wan's new life was to be primarily a solitary one. He would trade with the local beings as necessary, make the trips into the city that he needed to, but he had already said to Ferus that it was no longer their imperative to be well-liked.

He would resign himself to that.

"It can wait until we go to Mos Eisley."

[bellassa]

Nodding faintly, Ferus fell silent again - a shorter moment this time, however, as his jaw worked. There was a sense of foreboding in thinking about the future that he didn't quite want to face.

Which, really, was there in his words.

"I have to admit", he said with a faint, melancholy smile to take the edge of the confession, "I don't look forward to leaving."

Which was putting it mildly, all of which was still running through his head. His attachments, his losses, his fears and doubts. This miserable little desert planet was all that's left that was familiar, and this was only because of Obi-Wan.

Because there was no Temple, and there was no Bellassa. Not in any way that Ferus could reach anymore.

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan softened at Ferus's admission, nodding slightly to his young companion. He rose from his seat and made his way over to Ferus in the window.

It did not help banish the thoughts that soon he would be alone again, but at least he knew he was not going to be friendless. He had Ferus.

But soon there would be light years between them.

"I know," he conceded. "And I will miss you and your company. But we have to face our destinies, and do what needs to be done." A beat, then a small smile, "and I know that you don't need to be reminded of that, Ferus. I know that you will see to what you must. But it makes parting a necessary evil."

[bellassa]

Looking up at Obi-Wan, Ferus let that faint smile grow a little more sincere as he shifted and stood, reaching out to touch Obi-Wan's shoulder in a friendly grip, squeezing slightly.

"I know that. But you don't get to tell me I have to be at peace with it."

He was deliberatly calling on their conflict of perspectives, but this time managing to mean it in an affectionate way. It was late, he was emotional, and in too-short a time, Obi-Wan would be the only friend he'd have left.

The thought stung, and he let go with a sigh, looking out the window he'd been occupying once more.

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan's smile grew, too, into something a bit more confident and fond. He understood the words for what they were.

"Of course," he agreed gently. He reached up and placed his hand atop Ferus's for a moment, letting go in time for Ferus to move back. "But, if you'd like, I have other lectures prepared I could use."

Teasing, of course, though it wasn't said in a particularly jovial tone. He followed Ferus's gaze outside.

"I do think you should try, though."

[bellassa]

He thought about it again: emotion, yet peace.

Or, the version he'd grown up with: there is no emotion, there is peace.

As tempting as it was he knew he would remain unable to let go of his feelings. After learning to feel so deeply, to keep attachments in his heart, it would be impossible. But he told himself he wouldn't have to give that up to feel peace or at least calm. He told himself he could mourn and love just as well as accept.

It would have to happen that way, because he knew if he tried to let these things go, he'd never make it.

That's why he'd fallen back on the original Code. Because unlike the current standard ... or the one that had been considered standard, but as now nothing more than a shared memory ... it actually held meaning he could still apply to the life he'd led for so long.

A life that had been better.

"I will", he said softly, and he would, although even to his own ears it felt just a bit hollow.

[form_iii]

Belatedly, Obi-Wan realized the problem with telling Ferus to try to do it. He thought of the way the Grand Master would have admonished him for that advice. But Ferus was not a full Jedi any longer, and his thinking was different. It did not seem fair to impose such a burden on him: that he either could or could not do it. He felt that perhaps Ferus would take it too hard if he had trouble succeeding, and telling him that trying wasn't enough...

Well. He didn't think it would give the former Padawan any comfort.

Especially not when Ferus would have so much trouble letting go of his pain and his feelings. Force knew Obi-Wan couldn't do it.

The coming decades were going to be hard.

"Good," he said softly, inclining his head for a moment. And then, gently, he suggested, "perhaps we should try to get some sleep. The days to come will be hard enough without being rested."

And maybe, hopefully, after talking to Ferus and unburden some as they both had, the dream would not return that night.