thesaurus | ITT: SAD JEDI

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!caitlin,
#ic

ITT: SAD JEDI

Obi-Wan stood behind the little hovel he called home, tending to Rooh-the-eopie. He watched the first of the two suns sink below the horizon, halving the amount of light that bathed the desert. Dusk was here, and soon so would night, and so too would the bad dreams arrive: the images of terrified younglings and friends dying. But he closed his eyes against the early onslaught of thoughts. There was no need to let them plague him before their time; if he let them take him at any moment at all then there was no way that he could go on.

Opening his eyes, he stroked Rooh's snout carefully, calming her as she became restless. He made sure she was secured, fed and watered, then he moved onto her son, Tooh. Tooh wasn't big enough yet to be ridden, but that was alright. When he took Ferus to Mos Eisley they could walk and he would lead the eopies with them. He could ride Rooh home, or pick up some supplies and have her carry them. But the walk there would be good for them all, he thought.

Ferus Olin was inside the hut, taking care of whatever would pass for dinner that night. It wouldn't be long now before they parted ways, before Ferus took his leave to Alderaan, but for now the company was something of a comfort. Ferus was family, though they hardly got along perfectly. Ferus mouthed off, for one thing, and questioned Obi-Wan regularly. It was a little like having Anakin--

Obi-Wan stopped his thoughts again, patting Tooh and straightening up. Ferus wasn't Anakin. He never would be. But he had come closer to becoming Anakin than either of them dared talk about.

For now there was much pain for both of them.

He stood on the hill, looking east, toward the Lars homestead in the far distance. He waited for the second sun to set and wondered. He wished he could reach out with the Force to Luke, check that all was well, but he couldn't connect to him. Shouldn't, even if he could.

It was lonely in the desert, so far from everything, even with Ferus there. In some ways, Obi-Wan thought, more so because Ferus was there, comfort or not. They had both lost so much: friends, family, purpose. More than Obi-Wan could bear, he thought some days. But now they were guardians of the galaxy's hope. It would be a long, difficult job, but Obi-Wan would shoulder that burden. He only hoped that Ferus could too. He didn't know how the young man was coping. Obi-Wan barely knew how he was coping.

The sun finally disappeared, leaving him in relative darkness before the stars began to twinkle into life. He turned his chin up to the sky, searching for familiar constellations he would never find from this remote planet. He had never paid much attention to Tatooine in the past, even knowing it was Anakin's homeworld. It wasn't as if it should have mattered. But a remarkable amount of the galaxy seemed to orbit around this little planet on the outer rim.

And here they were, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ferus Olin. Two men, stripped of everything, almost ready to say goodbye. How long would they need to hold together before peace returned?

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He took a deep, steadying breath, feeling the conflict twisting sharply inside him. Obi-Wan was sincere, gentle but firm, and had he been a Padawan still, the words would have been reassuring. But that was because back then he had been startlingly innocent. Despite the battles and missions and death - he hadn't known much about life. Not the real kind.

Not the kind that changes you.

And now he was irreversibly changed in ways he hadn't expected, and in some ways that he desperately didn't want.

That's what he'd found within, was the thing. The capacity for something writhing and dark. And despite the anxiety clawing at the inside of his chest he realized that if he didn't come clean, he might not make it again. Not without anything else to hold onto.

It still took him an immense effort to say it, though. His eyes were darting between Obi-Wan's as he forced himself to form the words, feeling like he was speaking through water. "I made the wrong choice."

Obi-Wan's first instinct was to remind him he was still alive, still choosing and still moving forward. Having made the wrong choice--or even multiple wrong choices--did not necessarily end things. Ferus could still walk the path of good and make the right choices.

But that would have been impatient of him to say, to insist on it when he did not, in truth, know what had happened. He had seen the darkness in Ferus, had seen much of the toll it had taken on him, but he did not know in truth what those choices were or what had happened to him.

So while he loosened his grip, made himself gentler, he did not let go of Ferus's shoulders and gently prompted him instead.

"What happened?"

Ferus wanted to look away, wanted to step out of Obi-Wan's grip, but he forced himself to remain where he stood. Hands on his shoulders. Eyes on his. He needed to face this. Needed to ignore his racing heart, the way his hands were shaking slightly. He balled them into fists. Took another breath.

"I let Palpatine teach me."

It caught to say. He was choking on the words, on the immense darkness inside him. But he was telling the truth, righting a lie. He could only hope that Obi-Wan wouldn't turn away from him.

Obi-Wan had steeled himself for whatever it was that Ferus would tell him, but he wasn't sure what to expect. He took a deep breath when Ferus said it, nodding slowly and closing his eyes for only a moment. But he certainly didn't pull away, and he certainly didn't turn away from him.

He hadn't been sure, when Ferus had said that the Emperor had not been working on him, how much truth there was in that. He had been concerned, worried for how Palpatine had worked on Anakin for years. How Obi-Wan had failed to stop the worst from happening.

Ferus had been under Palpatine's sway. He had been in great danger. His choices had been dangerous ones, driven by all that could have led him astray. And yet...

"And yet here you are," he said softly as he opened his eyes again, searching Ferus's face once more. "That was not the only choice that you made."

"It was the last choice I made", he said sharply, and this time did take a step back, creating distance between himself and Obi-Wan that he didn't actually want but for the moment suddenly needed.

He couldn't make sense of his own thoughts. He wanted the support, the reassurance. Yet he suddenly despised it when he got it. Because it was misguided, maybe. Because Obi-Wan didn't understand, yet spoke like he did, like he held the answers. But there were no excuses for Ferus' failings, and he didn't want to hear them. Didn't want Obi-Wan to look past them when they were still there.

Still so close to the surface. So close. Even now.

Reeling slightly from the chaos in his head, he stood firm from his new position nonetheless; tense, but shaking slightly.

Obi-Wan dutifully let go of Ferus when his companion stepped back from him, angrily going against the Jedi Master's words. He folded his arms over his chest, disapprovingly, frowning at Ferus.

"Not so," he disagreed, firmly but kindly. "You have continued to shape your path since then. Even now, you are choosing what to tell me and shaping your destiny through your actions."

He dropped his arms back to his sides and said, more insistently, "I'm not saying that you have not made mistakes Ferus. You should have told me before what he was trying to do to you. You should have left his side sooner. But you are correcting your mistakes now."

It was more than a mistake. It was a failing, a character flaw, something that couldn't be amended so easily. Ferus was torn between falling to his knees and kicking something, and so he took another step back, keeping his eyes on Obi-Wan - feeling cornered, both aggressive and afraid.

"I let him teach me because I wanted him to teach me", he snapped, insistent as well, needing to make Obi-Wan see. The pleading undertone was something he tried to bury in his anger, and the anger was sincere enough, because of how angry he was at himself.

"The dark side made me stronger."

"And I did not say you were not misguided," Obi-Wan commented, not quite snapping back. He frowned, watching Ferus, but he reminded himself to be gentler. What Ferus needed more than Obi-Wan's annoyance, right now, he thought, was a firm but guiding hand. Not impatience.

But there was an element of fear in it as well. Not of Ferus, but for him. Not for who Ferus was, but who he could have so easily become.

Obi-Wan would not lose another to the Dark Side.

"There was no good for you down that path. You should turn your back on it once and for all."

Edited 2015-11-01 22:13 (UTC)

"I'm trying!"

He'd raised his voice. The pain and anger were so close to his heart and he could feel the dark side of the Force within reach, knew the potential he'd have if he let his anger fester, if he took just another step.

It was difficult to turn away from. But he was trying. He was trying, and it took him every effort, everything he had, to stay on the path. But reminding himself that he was a Jedi when it wasn't actually true didn't help him.

It wasn't easy.

None of this was easy, and Ferus felt fractured and broken and lost, and he had nothing to stand on, no idea who he was anymore.

He'd found the darkness beautiful.

"But it's part of me now. I accepted knowledge from a Sith." And he had to spit that out, because he was disgusted. In hindsight, of course. Only in hindsight. "He gave me a holocron. I couldn't look away."

Obi-Wan tensed as Ferus rose his voice and snapped and spit out his words. He was about to raise his voice in turn when he suddenly became aware of a stirring beside him. Rooh was becoming uneasy once more, looking between the two men and shuffling toward her youngling. Reminded of the tension by the animals, Obi-Wan took a steadying breath, becoming mindful once more of his presence and his tone.

He would remain calm, he was determined. He would not match Ferus's anger or impatience.

"You have been changed, it is true," Obi-Wan said evenly enough. "And you can't take back what you have done: to wish to would be childish. But you should know full well to abandon your defeatism. You are not the only one to have been touched by the Dark Side and to have returned nonetheless. None return unscathed, but you have already done a great feat by returning."

Ferus, by contrast, didn't reflect on the uneasy animals despite being aware of them. They didn't seem to matter to him. What mattered was only Obi-Wan and himself. For a short, terrible moment he was made furious by Obi-Wan's visible calm - he wanted the fight, wanted to scream - but then he swallowed against the rage, looked away, pushed his hands through his hair, and kicked at the sand.

And before he knew it, he was pacing. Short, jerky movements, back and forth. The eopies were further distressed, but he didn't notice.

"Right", he said, and the anger was still there, but not as loud now, instead grit out between his teeth. "And even more people were touched by the dark side and stayed there. I was stupid to think they wouldn't get to me."

Obi-Wan sighed this time, watching the angry Ferus start to pace and move and, yes, disturb the animals. The older man walked over to the pair, taking Rooh's snout in his hands and murmuring a "good girl" to her. Tooh butted lightly into his mother, staying close to her legs.

Obi-Wan glanced back up at Ferus when he spoke again, studying him.

"As I said," he repeated, his tone even but short, "you should have left the Empire sooner than you did. But 'what-if's will not help you now." He shook his head, thinking of all of his own regrets for a moment. But this wasn't about him. "You broke free. That is the important thing."

Startled by Obi-Wan moving from his spot, Ferus backed up when he came closer to him and then past him to soothe the animals. And he backed up further still and then remained standing again, trying to calm himself.

He remembered his reflection in shattered transparisteel. Glowing eyes. Dark features. He didn't want that. No matter how easily he succumbed to his anger, he didn't want to see that in himself again. But the capacity was there, and that's what he was struggling with.

And it was something Obi-Wan didn't seem to understand.

His hands were still shaking and he let his nails dig into his palms.

"I could fail again", he said, voice low, eyes wavering. That was just as important. Wasn't it?

Once the animals seemed more relaxed, Obi-Wan turned away from them to study Ferus again. Were it only so easy to calm Ferus as well as the eopies, he thought, noting the nervousness that was coursing from Ferus. Obi-Wan clasped his hands in front of him, calming his own presence and hoping it might have a positive effect on the other Jedi.

Slowly, he shook his head.

"Of course you could. Just as you could continue to along this path successfully. Be mindful of your anxieties, Ferus, but do not let them rule you."

He almost wanted to laugh, for a short, sharp moment. His anxieties. Yeah, that was one way of putting it, but it felt like so much more, so crushingly more - and he had to bite back something that might've come out as, that's easy for you to say.

That would be unfair, he realized that. He also knew rationally that he was confused and upset and still in so much pain. And he was so angry. Forcing that down was the hardest, because when the anger left, he was only left with guilt and grief, and he didn't want either.

Still, something was starting to leave him, and in its place was a constricting feeling in his throat.

"Don't tell me to just let this go", he said tightly. "I can't do that anymore."

It wasn't quite what Obi-Wan had meant, but it wasn't wrong either. Of course the Jedi way was to accept emotion, then let it go. But he also knew that Ferus was hardly a conventional Jedi. As well, he knew it was always easier said than done to do as much.

He hesitated a moment, but he pressed on in spite of Ferus's words.

"Accepting them is not the same as letting them go," he insisted gently. "I understand that you need time with these feelings before you can move beyond them." They were, after all, such recent pains. "Think, Ferus, and feel. But do not let them control you or harm you any more than they already have."

Closing his eyes against everything, he took another breath and tried to will himself calm. The default Jedi state, right? Calm. Not happy. That was alright - Ferus didn't think he could manage happiness for some time. But if he could get past the darkness and past himself, maybe he could find calm again.

He felt unsteady on his feet. Like the sand was shifting. He sighed and opened his eyes. Still feeling that tightness, that distant sense of choking.

It took him a moment to respond as he stood there, swaying slightly, not quite looking at Obi-Wan ... feeling lost again.

"Feeling hurts", he said after a moment, with a self-deprecating laugh, a very short noise that ended in something strangled. "It's what drove me down the wrong path."

Obi-Wan, at least, could be patient still. He had calmed himself already, against Ferus's anger, and he was focused on Ferus's problems here. In a way it was helpful, to be able to look past his own problems, though he realized that in a backwards way that was selfish. He chose not to think about that any further.

But he also sympathized. A great deal.

"I understand," he said gently, and he took a few steps closer to the young man. "Every being struggles with feelings and their conflicts. But if you work to understand your feelings and to manage them, you will be more able to control where they send you."

He couldn't help it: he took a small step back. Where that impulse came from or why he felt inexplicably wary of Obi-Wan's presence were things he didn't want to look too closely at. He just reacted. And it was a small thing, just the one step, but his eyes were a little wide when they snapped to Obi-Wan's for the first time in the last few minutes.

His jaw worked as he hesitated.

Jedi wisdom again.

But once that had meant something profound to him, and it could mean something again, if he'd listen. Think and feel. That's what he'd just been told.

"Emotion, yet peace", he said faintly, almost questioningly, drawing on the original mantra from the Code. "Chaos, yet harmony ... it feels impossible."

Obi-Wan stopped his approach forward when Ferus reacted like that, wide-eyed and skittish. He was more nervous than Tooh, who was just a babe still, really. Ferus was not a Padawan any longer, or even a boy, but he was shaken and distressed in a way that made him seem younger and smaller than he was.

But of course the pain that caused that was that of a man who had seen far, far too much.

He frowned faintly as he listened to the familiar words, studying Ferus.

"Often it does," he conceded. "And yet we must take it to heart. That is the great difficulty." Obi-Wan was about to say more, but then he paused visibly, thinking. His eyes trailed to the little hut that he had made into a home, seeming to look for a moment through the walls to something within. He had been thinking about this for some time, but now seemed as apt a moment as any.

"I have something for you," he said after a moment, taking a step toward the hovel. He glanced back at Ferus to see if he would follow or wait.

Ferus hesitated for another moment, but he followed soon enough, feeling distantly surprised again. Obi-Wan was managing to throw him off guard more than he would have been able to expect or guess. But he was too on edge to even begin to speculate around this, about what Obi-Wan could possibly have for him.

The anger was fading fast. But in its wake was nerves and apprehension, with exhaustion and grief surely to follow.

He wasn't thinking too much about it. He didn't want to. He followed Obi-Wan in silence.

Obi-Wan led Ferus into his home again in silence, glad to see he was following at least for all his nerves.

There was no more time to second guess this. It was the right thing to do.

He stepped up to the small box her kept slightly hidden in the main room. He wasn't sure if Ferus had noticed it, but trusted him not to pry into Obi-Wan's few belongings. But still, it had felt only right to keep it out of the way, if not properly disguised, as the items inside were private enough.

Keeping himself between Ferus and the box so that the younger Jedi couldn't see into it, Obi-Wan carefully pried it open, pausing as he looked onto Anakin's lightsaber. He had a great deal of mixed feelings about having it. But he knew that one day it would play a role in the fate of the galaxy once again. But that was also not what he was looking for here. It was only one of two items of sentimental value that he had kept.

He closed his hand around the blue crystal, fingering the grooves of it and letting himself absorb the warmth that it emitted. He thought of holding Siri's hand, the warmth and strength in her fingers.

He would hold onto the memory, but not the crystal.

Removing it from the box with one hand, and closing the container with the other, he turned back to Ferus and, wordlessly, held the blue stone out to him.

Edited 2015-11-02 02:56 (UTC)

Of course he hadn't looked into the box, despite having noticed it. Ferus was generally attentive and in tune to his surroundings, even if some of that had faded after he'd left the Order and lost touch with the Force. But despite all the grief he'd given Obi-Wan for keeping secrets, he respected his privacy.

So in realizing that's where Obi-Wan was going, he did feel some curiosity through the haze of his messy emotions. He stood still as Obi-Wan paused over the box and remained still for a moment as he took in what he was offered.

He didn't recognise it, didn't understand it. But he could feel the significance in it, the weight of something attached to it, and although not easily read, it was still clear enough in Obi-Wan's expression.

Focusing on this moment and the crystal, Ferus took a step forward and accepted it, surprised at the warmth where it touched him. He allowed himself to linger on that for a moment. Just take it in. In a way, also trying to decipher its meaning, but in the end, he just softly asked.

"What is it?"

Obi-Wan took a deep breath, waiting for Ferus to take the crystal from him. The longer he held onto it, the harder this parting would be. But he needed to give it to Ferus, for a number of reasons.

He let go of it when Ferus had taken a hold of it, feeling the weight drop away from his hand. He had a sudden striking recollection of Siri's hand dropping away from him as she died. He felt the warmth of the crystal leave him. Just as he had once seen the warmth disappear from Siri.

This would be painful but it was necessary.

"This was one of Siri's few dear possessions as a Padawan," he said gently, voice low because he dared not speak any louder. Out of respect, perhaps, for speaking of the dead as they truly were--dead. This wasn't memories of love, this was a eulogy. "She lost it for some time, only getting it back on our last mission together. She gave it to me before she died." Right before, in fact, mere seconds left of her life and she had wanted to make sure he had it.

A part of him felt like he might be betraying her by giving it to Ferus, but he thought she would want Ferus to have his turn with it, had she known the great deal of grief Ferus had gone through. She would have wanted to be able to offer comfort to Ferus, even in death. He had been so important to her. She had grieved for her loss of him. And she would have been disappointed had Obi-Wan selfishly kept the stone, even if she had given it to him in her dying moments.

A good Jedi didn't need possessions, anyway, he thought, thinking of Quinlan. Dead now, like Siri, though not a loss he felt as poignantly, he thought guiltily.

But Ferus wasn't a typical Jedi. And having something to hold onto to remind him of someone who had been dear to him--Obi-Wan thought that, maybe, that would help.

He opened his mouth to start to speak, only to find the attempt at words thick and heavy in his throat. He struggled for a moment, unsure what was wrong, confused at the depth of his emotion.

He felt a little like he was giving up his last piece of Siri.

But that was ridiculous. He had her memory, and that was worth far more.

Blinking back the tears that threatened, Obi-Wan stepped back and away from Ferus, as if afraid that the young Jedi might try to return the crystal. He turned his eyes down, looking at the deep glowing blue in Ferus's hand.

"This way," he said, lowering his voice further to hide the strain in it, "she will always be with you."

Edited 2015-11-02 04:00 (UTC)

Maybe a Jedi was taught to not need possessions, but Ferus understood better than any Jedi the meaning they could have. Although he'd never developed a habit for materialism, he'd started holding onto certain items in his life after the Order, things that reminded him of Roan, of his friends, but also of the increasing number of fallen.

He'd lost track of that towards the end because sentimentality had no place in the dark side. But he realized with a startling clarity how much he missed all the people he'd lost as Obi-Wan told him where the crystal came from, and he dropped his eyes towards it, took in the colour and feeling of it as he ran his thumb over the surface.

When he'd left the Order it hadn't seemed strange that he had nothing left of it. After a few years as a civilian, it still didn't, although as he came to miss Siri and his fellow Jedi in a different way, there was some regret that he'd never brought anything with him from the Temple, even just something to hold onto.

Obi-Wan was offering him that. A link to his past and his former Master. Something that was meant for him, not Ferus, and as Ferus looked up at Obi-Wan it was clear how much this pained the other man. And seeing how difficult this was for him, Ferus felt his chest tighten with emotion.

The tears were no surprise to him anymore and he had to blink against them as well when he heard Obi-Wan struggle to say his final piece, and Ferus drew in a wet breath as the loss of her came over him again. Siri had always known what to say. He wouldn't have been on this path if he'd had her guidance, her stubborn certainty behind behind him. But he'd left so much of her behind. Her lessons, her directions. More of her memory than he liked to admit, as the years passed.

He felt the crystal warm his skin as he closed his fingers around it and took a step after Obi-Wan, reaching out with his other hand to grab his arm in a steadying grip, searching the older man's face.

"Are you sure?" he asked, not bothering to hide the broken quality in his own voice, left it there plainly for Obi-Wan to hear how this affected him. This was an astounding gift and Ferus didn't feel able to accept it just like that, especially not in the face of what had just happened between him and Obi-Wan, not after his own understanding of how corruptible he truly was had struck him.

In many ways, he didn't feel like he was worth this. But he couldn't deny that now when he was offered this, he felt how much he wanted it. The crystal would not just be Siri to him, but Obi-Wan as well.

And he was leaving soon. For his own exile. Leaving this, and his last fellow Jedi.

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