ITT: SAD JEDI

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan stood behind the little hovel he called home, tending to Rooh-the-eopie. He watched the first of the two suns sink below the horizon, halving the amount of light that bathed the desert. Dusk was here, and soon so would night, and so too would the bad dreams arrive: the images of terrified younglings and friends dying. But he closed his eyes against the early onslaught of thoughts. There was no need to let them plague him before their time; if he let them take him at any moment at all then there was no way that he could go on.

Opening his eyes, he stroked Rooh's snout carefully, calming her as she became restless. He made sure she was secured, fed and watered, then he moved onto her son, Tooh. Tooh wasn't big enough yet to be ridden, but that was alright. When he took Ferus to Mos Eisley they could walk and he would lead the eopies with them. He could ride Rooh home, or pick up some supplies and have her carry them. But the walk there would be good for them all, he thought.

Ferus Olin was inside the hut, taking care of whatever would pass for dinner that night. It wouldn't be long now before they parted ways, before Ferus took his leave to Alderaan, but for now the company was something of a comfort. Ferus was family, though they hardly got along perfectly. Ferus mouthed off, for one thing, and questioned Obi-Wan regularly. It was a little like having Anakin--

Obi-Wan stopped his thoughts again, patting Tooh and straightening up. Ferus wasn't Anakin. He never would be. But he had come closer to becoming Anakin than either of them dared talk about.

For now there was much pain for both of them.

He stood on the hill, looking east, toward the Lars homestead in the far distance. He waited for the second sun to set and wondered. He wished he could reach out with the Force to Luke, check that all was well, but he couldn't connect to him. Shouldn't, even if he could.

It was lonely in the desert, so far from everything, even with Ferus there. In some ways, Obi-Wan thought, more so because Ferus was there, comfort or not. They had both lost so much: friends, family, purpose. More than Obi-Wan could bear, he thought some days. But now they were guardians of the galaxy's hope. It would be a long, difficult job, but Obi-Wan would shoulder that burden. He only hoped that Ferus could too. He didn't know how the young man was coping. Obi-Wan barely knew how he was coping.

The sun finally disappeared, leaving him in relative darkness before the stars began to twinkle into life. He turned his chin up to the sky, searching for familiar constellations he would never find from this remote planet. He had never paid much attention to Tatooine in the past, even knowing it was Anakin's homeworld. It wasn't as if it should have mattered. But a remarkable amount of the galaxy seemed to orbit around this little planet on the outer rim.

And here they were, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ferus Olin. Two men, stripped of everything, almost ready to say goodbye. How long would they need to hold together before peace returned?

Comments

[bellassa]

Maybe a Jedi was taught to not need possessions, but Ferus understood better than any Jedi the meaning they could have. Although he'd never developed a habit for materialism, he'd started holding onto certain items in his life after the Order, things that reminded him of Roan, of his friends, but also of the increasing number of fallen.

He'd lost track of that towards the end because sentimentality had no place in the dark side. But he realized with a startling clarity how much he missed all the people he'd lost as Obi-Wan told him where the crystal came from, and he dropped his eyes towards it, took in the colour and feeling of it as he ran his thumb over the surface.

When he'd left the Order it hadn't seemed strange that he had nothing left of it. After a few years as a civilian, it still didn't, although as he came to miss Siri and his fellow Jedi in a different way, there was some regret that he'd never brought anything with him from the Temple, even just something to hold onto.

Obi-Wan was offering him that. A link to his past and his former Master. Something that was meant for him, not Ferus, and as Ferus looked up at Obi-Wan it was clear how much this pained the other man. And seeing how difficult this was for him, Ferus felt his chest tighten with emotion.

The tears were no surprise to him anymore and he had to blink against them as well when he heard Obi-Wan struggle to say his final piece, and Ferus drew in a wet breath as the loss of her came over him again. Siri had always known what to say. He wouldn't have been on this path if he'd had her guidance, her stubborn certainty behind behind him. But he'd left so much of her behind. Her lessons, her directions. More of her memory than he liked to admit, as the years passed.

He felt the crystal warm his skin as he closed his fingers around it and took a step after Obi-Wan, reaching out with his other hand to grab his arm in a steadying grip, searching the older man's face.

"Are you sure?" he asked, not bothering to hide the broken quality in his own voice, left it there plainly for Obi-Wan to hear how this affected him. This was an astounding gift and Ferus didn't feel able to accept it just like that, especially not in the face of what had just happened between him and Obi-Wan, not after his own understanding of how corruptible he truly was had struck him.

In many ways, he didn't feel like he was worth this. But he couldn't deny that now when he was offered this, he felt how much he wanted it. The crystal would not just be Siri to him, but Obi-Wan as well.

And he was leaving soon. For his own exile. Leaving this, and his last fellow Jedi.

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan was quiet as he let Ferus take that in, and he wished that the moment would pass quickly. He felt torn for a great many reasons, but he did ultimately believe he was doing the right thing. It was a difficult decision, to be sure, but it was for Ferus and for Siri more than for himself and that was what guided him, ultimately.

He glanced up when he noticed Ferus approaching him, his eyes looking first to his friend's hand reaching for him and then to his face. He tensed, just slightly, feeling all the conflict and turmoil so near the surface as he thought of all of the implications of this.

No, he thought, when Ferus asked. I am not sure.

He cleared his throat, casting away the tears in his voice with only partial success.

"I am," he said. "I am certain that it is what she would have wanted. She would have considered who could gain comfort from the crystal far more than any sentimental value of it."

And it was, ultimately, Siri's memory that counted more. Both of them would have it. And so the ownership of the crystal was less important, and so Ferus was at least as worthy an owner as Obi-Wan. She may have wanted him to have it so that she would always be with her, but he thought he would have teased her had she lived. He didn't need something of hers to keep her close to his heart. He would never forget her, and he would never lose sight of what she had meant to him.

He did not doubt that Ferus, too, would hold onto her memory and did not need the crystal. But that did not change that it was an object of comfort, and that Ferus could use that.

[bellassa]

Ferus could have said something in response about what Siri would have thought or said or done, something fond and sad, but he chose instead to focus on this, between the two of them, the men touched by the loss of someone who was worth far more and were brought together in their grief.

He blinked against his blurring vision. In a strange way, he realized, this wasn't about Siri. Not completely. It was about Obi-Wan too, about him daring to let go, about passing something on that he didn't want to but felt he needed to, about accepting his loss.

And that was far braver than Ferus could even begin to be right now. Far stronger. Because it was in this moment he caught on - not completely, but in a surface, barely-there way - what Siri had meant to Obi-Wan.

Swallowing, but not hesitating, he stepped forward again and embraced his friend.

"Thank you", he whispered hoarsely into his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

About Siri, about the Jedi, about Anakin, about himself. About the exile. About the damn eopie that over-ate. It didn't matter what he was sorry for, but he felt it very strongly, and yet he felt the gratefulness even more.

[form_iii]

There was a brief moment of pause as Obi-Wan found Ferus's arms around him before he returned the gesture. He was not much of a hugging person, it was true, but Ferus was a good friend and his family. More or less the only friend or family member he had left. So while he wasn't entirely sure what to make of it, he embraced the gesture--he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Ferus with a soft sigh.

Except he wasn't expecting the reaction it would give him either.

He let out a choked noise when Ferus thanked him, then apologized, and nodding slightly. He felt like he might cry--finally, for the first time in a long time, in spite of tears threatening so often now--and he did not want to.

"It's alright," he said gently instead, but nothing else. He just hugged Ferus Olin tightly for a long moment. He didn't want to let him go, as ridiculous as the notion was. It was as if he might lose Ferus too.

And, he realized, he soon would: not forever, no, not the way that he had lost so many others, but Ferus was leaving soon. Soon Obi-Wan would be alone again. Just him in the desert with his eopies.

[bellassa]

Smiling very briefly and very sadly, Ferus shook his head and hugged Obi-Wan tighter, drawing in a breath. "It's not", he said quietly, in a don't-kid-yourself way, but despite the tone he was accepting of that fact in the moment. Maybe it had to do with their Force connection, because he was suddenly very aware of it; it was strong between them. They'd always have that, at the very least. As the last pieces left of something that had once been grand and good, they'd always be tied together.

Still, that didn't stop his emotions. Yet peace, he thought - it'd be difficult, but he had the first step down. These feelings. Feelings that had always been carefully controlled at the Temple and then let go in all manner of ways, and here he was, unable to suppress a sob in sympathy with the fractured sound that had escaped his friend.

They both needed this. The connection, the real, physical kind, and Ferus wasn't in a hurry to step away from it.

He had his closed hand resting somewhere between Obi-Wan's shoulder blades, still feeling the warmth from the crystal hidden there.

[form_iii]

The faint pressure and warmth was comforting, the feel of Ferus holding Siri's crystal behind Obi-Wan's back. He took a few deep breaths as he held his remaining friend and family member. He, too, felt the connection there, especially anchored by the stone. The Force was in and around them. The crystal confirmed it was there.

He nodded all the same, understanding. It wasn't, at least not entirely, alright. But he did not blame Ferus. He blamed himself. That meant that Ferus should not apologize to him. But sympathy--perhaps he didn't deserve it but he would not shun it, either.

Sighing softly, Obi-Wan slowly let go of him. He stepped back slightly, moving his hands to Ferus's shoulders. He started to speak again, but found his voice still weak. He simply nodded his appreciation instead.

[bellassa]

Ferus didn't mind the silence. He eased back a little as well when Obi-Wan moved out of the hug, but he appreciated that the grip was back on his shoulders in place of it. It was, as it had been, centering.

Taking his own breath and keeping his eyes low for the moment, he moved his closed hand to his eyes, pressing the heel of his thumb against them to relieve the sting of tears. And once he had, once he felt ready a second later, he looked up and met Obi-Wan's gaze again, and with his free hand he returned the touch once more. A firm but gentle grip on the older man's shoulder.

Steadying each other. Ferus let the moment stretch for some time. Then he slowly let go and stepped back, and with a gentle, graceful move, slipped the crystal in his hand into a pouch on his belt.

[form_iii]

The moment was long, but it was good. Obi-Wan felt better for it, like he was regaining control of himself and his feelings. It was not so, not entirely, but it was better. It was an improvement. He could ask for little more than that, especially when Ferus, too, was struggling so much.

He took a breath as Ferus stepped away, squeezing his shoulders briefly before he let his hands drop away. He folded them in front of him for a moment, looking away as he thought.

There was still so much to say. There was still a great deal of pain between them, both personal and shared. But at least the burden was no longer a solitary one. They would soon part ways but they would be on mirrored quests. They would keep in contact. It would be something.

He felt more than saw Ferus put the crystal away, and felt a touch of relief that that was done. He had been thinking for some time that Ferus needed it more than he, but it had been difficult to let go of. Siri had been difficult to let go of.

And yet he had never had her in the first place.

He had sacrificed love and thus a life with Siri. He did not regret that decision, or at least would not let himself. He had done as he had vowed to Siri, after all.

He thought more of Siri. He thought of Satine. He thought of others he had cared for and lost. He had known for a long time what life as a Jedi would entail. He had lost much, and now it was his duty to keep on living in spite of being one of the few left.

But he was not alone. Not any longer.

He was aware he was leaving Ferus waiting but, after a long moment, he realized he was unsure what to say.

"Have you had breakfast?" he finally asked, a touch of dryness in his voice. An inane question, but an important one.

Because they would both go on living, no matter their pain.

[bellassa]

He spent the moment in his own thoughts, so that was alright. As impatient as Ferus had turned out to be underneath that practised patience he'd made sure to have at the Temple, he wasn't averse to moments of reflection, and he took the time to process this.

Siri.

And, of course, his thoughts always drifted to Roan if they were left unchecked.

The biggest losses in his life. It was strange to think that in a way, he'd likely come to count Obi-Wan among them.

But he was pulled out of that reverie with the question, and he looked up with some amusement as he straightened himself out.

"No", he said, and unable to resist, "I was too concerned with your eopies."

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan scoffed slightly at Ferus's joking reply. At least they were able to tease each other again. For all the heaviness between them, at least there could be some humour and calmness.

There was so much weight on their shoulders, but they were making it by nonetheless.

He turned away, leading Ferus to the kitchen as he said over his shoulder, "so long as the reason wasn't eopie stew."

[bellassa]

"Ah, so you are attached."

He teased again, maybe because he needed it very sincerely after such a draining moment. He did feel better for having shared that moment with Obi-Wan and he felt comforted by the gesture and the gift ... and he did feel lighter for having let some of his anger go, even if he knew he wasn't done with himself.

He probably did owe Obi-Wan a proper apology for that, but he couldn't bring himself to go back there just yet.

[form_iii]

Shaking his head faintly, Obi-Wan smiled to himself. Yes, it was good that Ferus was teasing him. Yes, it was good that they were both doing alright (all things considered) in the face of arguments and pain. It was a start.

"Perhaps," he conceded as he fetched a muffin for Ferus. He thought for a moment before he turned to pass it over to him. Mostly he thought on his actual attachments for a moment. And he tried to remember not to remind himself of the pain of losing his attachments. It just went to show why the Jedi forbade such things. "Or perhaps I'm saving Tooh for myself," he said instead, dryly.

[bellassa]

"You're cruel, Obi-Wan", he said lightly, accepting the muffin and taking a seat again at the table in the cramped room that went by kitchen. He leaned back with an arm draped across the back of the chair - not quite relaxed, but wishing to be, as he took a bite of the muffin and let the moment be.

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan laughed softly at the admonishment but didn't reply directly to it. Instead he turned back to what limited supplies he had, fetching his small remaining amount of blue milk to pour them both some. He set the cup down in front of Ferus but did not join him to be seated at the table.

"Well. At least you will be well-supplied on Alderaan."

So don't Force-throw stones, Ferus.

[bellassa]

Ah, yes. Alderaan. So close now, and Ferus leaned his head into his arm, looking up at Obi-Wan. Still smiling, but more distant. He still had mixed feelings. He'd do what was asked of him, there was no question.

Still.

"Yes", he acknowledged, but the next joke rang more hollow. "Assuming I can learn the profession."

That wasn't the issue, of course. Bail would provide for him as he needed it, and the cover as a botanist was for show. Of course, he'd still take care to learn enough to be believed. And he'd still work. But it would take time. He wasn't sure he had that touch.

[form_iii]

"Perhaps you'll have to spend more time at that library of yours," Obi-Wan suggested lightly, but he too was more subdued. Because as much as they could kid together about it, it was ultimately a duty. A burden they would both bear.

A small part of him was looking forward to being in solitude again, to discharging his duty as he deserved to. But a larger part would miss having Ferus's company, for all they disagreed at times.

Still. Mixed feelings were more than valid, given the circumstances.

Obi-Wan fell silent, quietly sipping his drink and saying nothing.

[bellassa]

Ferus inclined his head in some kind of agreement, then leaned forward as he finished the muffin and picked up the cup of blue milk, taking a sip.

He didn't want to leave, but then, he'd never wanted to leave Coruscant back then either. Certainly not Bellassa.

And as he let his mind drift in silence, his thoughts came to rest on just one of the details from his old life that he'd be giving up, amongst the thousands.

So he said softly, leaning into one hand and keeping the other around the cup of milk, "I'll miss slicing."

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan turned away in that pause, looking outside to the eopies in the sun. He was thoughtful for a moment, but not deeply so for once. It was a calm enough moment, now that they had passed what was likely to be the peak of emotion for the day (though he hardly counted on it).

This was life, now. He would get by.

He glanced back when Ferus offered that regret, raising both eyebrows curiously. It seemed a rather particular one to bring up, but he supposed it was also a suitable enough one for the very different life he would soon be leading. It wasn't as if Obi-Wan could sympathize much.

"I'm afraid I was always inclined to take the term more literally," he said mildly. "But there won't be much of that in our new lives either."

[bellassa]

"Sure. I'll miss that too", he said easily enough, not referring to hacking up computer systems but meaning use of his lightsaber in general. (Garen's, he reminded himself.) He could imagine how little Obi-Wan had used his own the last year, and it pained him to picture the same for him.

It always felt so right to use one. So easy, satisfying. He remembered Siri reassuring him once, many years ago, that it wasn't wrong to take pleasure in his own abilities, and while he wasn't as profficient as he'd been when he was still in training, he still enjoyed the battle-mind: the knowledge of where to go, what to do, how to move, to get the result he wanted.

But when he'd let go of his lightsaber back then, for the last time, it had been a complete loss. He'd keep Garen's close, of course. He wouldn't give up something like that again.

Still, there was a difference there, as he glanced again at Obi-Wan.

"But back when I didn't have my saber, I could fight with code."

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan nodded, more serious now. He understood the idea behind it. Just as losing the ability to fight in general would continue to pain him, it made sense that losing this would pain Ferus.

It was Ferus, after all, who criticized Obi-Wan so heavily for standing by and waiting. Obi-Wan hated to do it, and of course Ferus would hate it more.

And yet, it seemed that was their destiny now.

"You will find uses for your skills," he advised him gently. This much he believed, though it was impossible to predict in what ways or even when it might happen. "And you will be doing a great deal of good in the meantime. Not all battles are so clearly fought."

[bellassa]

"I understand that", he said, looking out the window again, feeling the regret come over him once more. Would he ever be rid of that? He didn't think so. "Turns out you were right about waiting."

Because if he'd listened to Obi-Wan from the start, a lot of this could have been avoided. There might have been more than three Jedi left alive. Roan could have been here. The resistance on Bellassa would have stayed strong.

Still, this was the mistake he accepted the most, or at least as well as he could, of the ones he'd made. It was the smaller choices he'd made along the way that he obsessed over, but he didn't think he was completely wrong for falling into action rather than incation.

But he did recognise that Obi-Wan had seen what he hadn't. And that was something to bear, as well.

[form_iii]

Obi-Wan sighed softly at Ferus's concession. A part of him wanted to say that yes, he had been, and Ferus should have listened sooner--but that would do them no good. They both carried many regrets. There was no need to add more.

And besides, it wasn't as if Obi-Wan liked waiting, exactly. He wished he could play a more active role. But he understood his role in the fate of the galaxy was a crucial one and he would accept it.

"Until the time is right," he gently reminded his companion. "No matter how long that time takes to come."

[bellassa]

Ferus made a humming sound in acknowledgement, not feeling particularly inclined to anything more verbose. For the moment it seemed that they'd said what needed to be said. He finished the cup of milk and then remained there, feeling the weight of the immediate past but also the companionship that could be found, and watched the suns climb higher in the sky.