thesaurus | ITT: SAD JEDI

Entry tags:

!caitlin,
#ic

ITT: SAD JEDI

Obi-Wan stood behind the little hovel he called home, tending to Rooh-the-eopie. He watched the first of the two suns sink below the horizon, halving the amount of light that bathed the desert. Dusk was here, and soon so would night, and so too would the bad dreams arrive: the images of terrified younglings and friends dying. But he closed his eyes against the early onslaught of thoughts. There was no need to let them plague him before their time; if he let them take him at any moment at all then there was no way that he could go on.

Opening his eyes, he stroked Rooh's snout carefully, calming her as she became restless. He made sure she was secured, fed and watered, then he moved onto her son, Tooh. Tooh wasn't big enough yet to be ridden, but that was alright. When he took Ferus to Mos Eisley they could walk and he would lead the eopies with them. He could ride Rooh home, or pick up some supplies and have her carry them. But the walk there would be good for them all, he thought.

Ferus Olin was inside the hut, taking care of whatever would pass for dinner that night. It wouldn't be long now before they parted ways, before Ferus took his leave to Alderaan, but for now the company was something of a comfort. Ferus was family, though they hardly got along perfectly. Ferus mouthed off, for one thing, and questioned Obi-Wan regularly. It was a little like having Anakin--

Obi-Wan stopped his thoughts again, patting Tooh and straightening up. Ferus wasn't Anakin. He never would be. But he had come closer to becoming Anakin than either of them dared talk about.

For now there was much pain for both of them.

He stood on the hill, looking east, toward the Lars homestead in the far distance. He waited for the second sun to set and wondered. He wished he could reach out with the Force to Luke, check that all was well, but he couldn't connect to him. Shouldn't, even if he could.

It was lonely in the desert, so far from everything, even with Ferus there. In some ways, Obi-Wan thought, more so because Ferus was there, comfort or not. They had both lost so much: friends, family, purpose. More than Obi-Wan could bear, he thought some days. But now they were guardians of the galaxy's hope. It would be a long, difficult job, but Obi-Wan would shoulder that burden. He only hoped that Ferus could too. He didn't know how the young man was coping. Obi-Wan barely knew how he was coping.

The sun finally disappeared, leaving him in relative darkness before the stars began to twinkle into life. He turned his chin up to the sky, searching for familiar constellations he would never find from this remote planet. He had never paid much attention to Tatooine in the past, even knowing it was Anakin's homeworld. It wasn't as if it should have mattered. But a remarkable amount of the galaxy seemed to orbit around this little planet on the outer rim.

And here they were, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ferus Olin. Two men, stripped of everything, almost ready to say goodbye. How long would they need to hold together before peace returned?

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He almost wanted to laugh, for a short, sharp moment. His anxieties. Yeah, that was one way of putting it, but it felt like so much more, so crushingly more - and he had to bite back something that might've come out as, that's easy for you to say.

That would be unfair, he realized that. He also knew rationally that he was confused and upset and still in so much pain. And he was so angry. Forcing that down was the hardest, because when the anger left, he was only left with guilt and grief, and he didn't want either.

Still, something was starting to leave him, and in its place was a constricting feeling in his throat.

"Don't tell me to just let this go", he said tightly. "I can't do that anymore."

It wasn't quite what Obi-Wan had meant, but it wasn't wrong either. Of course the Jedi way was to accept emotion, then let it go. But he also knew that Ferus was hardly a conventional Jedi. As well, he knew it was always easier said than done to do as much.

He hesitated a moment, but he pressed on in spite of Ferus's words.

"Accepting them is not the same as letting them go," he insisted gently. "I understand that you need time with these feelings before you can move beyond them." They were, after all, such recent pains. "Think, Ferus, and feel. But do not let them control you or harm you any more than they already have."

Closing his eyes against everything, he took another breath and tried to will himself calm. The default Jedi state, right? Calm. Not happy. That was alright - Ferus didn't think he could manage happiness for some time. But if he could get past the darkness and past himself, maybe he could find calm again.

He felt unsteady on his feet. Like the sand was shifting. He sighed and opened his eyes. Still feeling that tightness, that distant sense of choking.

It took him a moment to respond as he stood there, swaying slightly, not quite looking at Obi-Wan ... feeling lost again.

"Feeling hurts", he said after a moment, with a self-deprecating laugh, a very short noise that ended in something strangled. "It's what drove me down the wrong path."

Obi-Wan, at least, could be patient still. He had calmed himself already, against Ferus's anger, and he was focused on Ferus's problems here. In a way it was helpful, to be able to look past his own problems, though he realized that in a backwards way that was selfish. He chose not to think about that any further.

But he also sympathized. A great deal.

"I understand," he said gently, and he took a few steps closer to the young man. "Every being struggles with feelings and their conflicts. But if you work to understand your feelings and to manage them, you will be more able to control where they send you."

He couldn't help it: he took a small step back. Where that impulse came from or why he felt inexplicably wary of Obi-Wan's presence were things he didn't want to look too closely at. He just reacted. And it was a small thing, just the one step, but his eyes were a little wide when they snapped to Obi-Wan's for the first time in the last few minutes.

His jaw worked as he hesitated.

Jedi wisdom again.

But once that had meant something profound to him, and it could mean something again, if he'd listen. Think and feel. That's what he'd just been told.

"Emotion, yet peace", he said faintly, almost questioningly, drawing on the original mantra from the Code. "Chaos, yet harmony ... it feels impossible."

Obi-Wan stopped his approach forward when Ferus reacted like that, wide-eyed and skittish. He was more nervous than Tooh, who was just a babe still, really. Ferus was not a Padawan any longer, or even a boy, but he was shaken and distressed in a way that made him seem younger and smaller than he was.

But of course the pain that caused that was that of a man who had seen far, far too much.

He frowned faintly as he listened to the familiar words, studying Ferus.

"Often it does," he conceded. "And yet we must take it to heart. That is the great difficulty." Obi-Wan was about to say more, but then he paused visibly, thinking. His eyes trailed to the little hut that he had made into a home, seeming to look for a moment through the walls to something within. He had been thinking about this for some time, but now seemed as apt a moment as any.

"I have something for you," he said after a moment, taking a step toward the hovel. He glanced back at Ferus to see if he would follow or wait.

Ferus hesitated for another moment, but he followed soon enough, feeling distantly surprised again. Obi-Wan was managing to throw him off guard more than he would have been able to expect or guess. But he was too on edge to even begin to speculate around this, about what Obi-Wan could possibly have for him.

The anger was fading fast. But in its wake was nerves and apprehension, with exhaustion and grief surely to follow.

He wasn't thinking too much about it. He didn't want to. He followed Obi-Wan in silence.

Obi-Wan led Ferus into his home again in silence, glad to see he was following at least for all his nerves.

There was no more time to second guess this. It was the right thing to do.

He stepped up to the small box her kept slightly hidden in the main room. He wasn't sure if Ferus had noticed it, but trusted him not to pry into Obi-Wan's few belongings. But still, it had felt only right to keep it out of the way, if not properly disguised, as the items inside were private enough.

Keeping himself between Ferus and the box so that the younger Jedi couldn't see into it, Obi-Wan carefully pried it open, pausing as he looked onto Anakin's lightsaber. He had a great deal of mixed feelings about having it. But he knew that one day it would play a role in the fate of the galaxy once again. But that was also not what he was looking for here. It was only one of two items of sentimental value that he had kept.

He closed his hand around the blue crystal, fingering the grooves of it and letting himself absorb the warmth that it emitted. He thought of holding Siri's hand, the warmth and strength in her fingers.

He would hold onto the memory, but not the crystal.

Removing it from the box with one hand, and closing the container with the other, he turned back to Ferus and, wordlessly, held the blue stone out to him.

Edited 2015-11-02 02:56 (UTC)

Of course he hadn't looked into the box, despite having noticed it. Ferus was generally attentive and in tune to his surroundings, even if some of that had faded after he'd left the Order and lost touch with the Force. But despite all the grief he'd given Obi-Wan for keeping secrets, he respected his privacy.

So in realizing that's where Obi-Wan was going, he did feel some curiosity through the haze of his messy emotions. He stood still as Obi-Wan paused over the box and remained still for a moment as he took in what he was offered.

He didn't recognise it, didn't understand it. But he could feel the significance in it, the weight of something attached to it, and although not easily read, it was still clear enough in Obi-Wan's expression.

Focusing on this moment and the crystal, Ferus took a step forward and accepted it, surprised at the warmth where it touched him. He allowed himself to linger on that for a moment. Just take it in. In a way, also trying to decipher its meaning, but in the end, he just softly asked.

"What is it?"

Obi-Wan took a deep breath, waiting for Ferus to take the crystal from him. The longer he held onto it, the harder this parting would be. But he needed to give it to Ferus, for a number of reasons.

He let go of it when Ferus had taken a hold of it, feeling the weight drop away from his hand. He had a sudden striking recollection of Siri's hand dropping away from him as she died. He felt the warmth of the crystal leave him. Just as he had once seen the warmth disappear from Siri.

This would be painful but it was necessary.

"This was one of Siri's few dear possessions as a Padawan," he said gently, voice low because he dared not speak any louder. Out of respect, perhaps, for speaking of the dead as they truly were--dead. This wasn't memories of love, this was a eulogy. "She lost it for some time, only getting it back on our last mission together. She gave it to me before she died." Right before, in fact, mere seconds left of her life and she had wanted to make sure he had it.

A part of him felt like he might be betraying her by giving it to Ferus, but he thought she would want Ferus to have his turn with it, had she known the great deal of grief Ferus had gone through. She would have wanted to be able to offer comfort to Ferus, even in death. He had been so important to her. She had grieved for her loss of him. And she would have been disappointed had Obi-Wan selfishly kept the stone, even if she had given it to him in her dying moments.

A good Jedi didn't need possessions, anyway, he thought, thinking of Quinlan. Dead now, like Siri, though not a loss he felt as poignantly, he thought guiltily.

But Ferus wasn't a typical Jedi. And having something to hold onto to remind him of someone who had been dear to him--Obi-Wan thought that, maybe, that would help.

He opened his mouth to start to speak, only to find the attempt at words thick and heavy in his throat. He struggled for a moment, unsure what was wrong, confused at the depth of his emotion.

He felt a little like he was giving up his last piece of Siri.

But that was ridiculous. He had her memory, and that was worth far more.

Blinking back the tears that threatened, Obi-Wan stepped back and away from Ferus, as if afraid that the young Jedi might try to return the crystal. He turned his eyes down, looking at the deep glowing blue in Ferus's hand.

"This way," he said, lowering his voice further to hide the strain in it, "she will always be with you."

Edited 2015-11-02 04:00 (UTC)

Maybe a Jedi was taught to not need possessions, but Ferus understood better than any Jedi the meaning they could have. Although he'd never developed a habit for materialism, he'd started holding onto certain items in his life after the Order, things that reminded him of Roan, of his friends, but also of the increasing number of fallen.

He'd lost track of that towards the end because sentimentality had no place in the dark side. But he realized with a startling clarity how much he missed all the people he'd lost as Obi-Wan told him where the crystal came from, and he dropped his eyes towards it, took in the colour and feeling of it as he ran his thumb over the surface.

When he'd left the Order it hadn't seemed strange that he had nothing left of it. After a few years as a civilian, it still didn't, although as he came to miss Siri and his fellow Jedi in a different way, there was some regret that he'd never brought anything with him from the Temple, even just something to hold onto.

Obi-Wan was offering him that. A link to his past and his former Master. Something that was meant for him, not Ferus, and as Ferus looked up at Obi-Wan it was clear how much this pained the other man. And seeing how difficult this was for him, Ferus felt his chest tighten with emotion.

The tears were no surprise to him anymore and he had to blink against them as well when he heard Obi-Wan struggle to say his final piece, and Ferus drew in a wet breath as the loss of her came over him again. Siri had always known what to say. He wouldn't have been on this path if he'd had her guidance, her stubborn certainty behind behind him. But he'd left so much of her behind. Her lessons, her directions. More of her memory than he liked to admit, as the years passed.

He felt the crystal warm his skin as he closed his fingers around it and took a step after Obi-Wan, reaching out with his other hand to grab his arm in a steadying grip, searching the older man's face.

"Are you sure?" he asked, not bothering to hide the broken quality in his own voice, left it there plainly for Obi-Wan to hear how this affected him. This was an astounding gift and Ferus didn't feel able to accept it just like that, especially not in the face of what had just happened between him and Obi-Wan, not after his own understanding of how corruptible he truly was had struck him.

In many ways, he didn't feel like he was worth this. But he couldn't deny that now when he was offered this, he felt how much he wanted it. The crystal would not just be Siri to him, but Obi-Wan as well.

And he was leaving soon. For his own exile. Leaving this, and his last fellow Jedi.

Obi-Wan was quiet as he let Ferus take that in, and he wished that the moment would pass quickly. He felt torn for a great many reasons, but he did ultimately believe he was doing the right thing. It was a difficult decision, to be sure, but it was for Ferus and for Siri more than for himself and that was what guided him, ultimately.

He glanced up when he noticed Ferus approaching him, his eyes looking first to his friend's hand reaching for him and then to his face. He tensed, just slightly, feeling all the conflict and turmoil so near the surface as he thought of all of the implications of this.

No, he thought, when Ferus asked. I am not sure.

He cleared his throat, casting away the tears in his voice with only partial success.

"I am," he said. "I am certain that it is what she would have wanted. She would have considered who could gain comfort from the crystal far more than any sentimental value of it."

And it was, ultimately, Siri's memory that counted more. Both of them would have it. And so the ownership of the crystal was less important, and so Ferus was at least as worthy an owner as Obi-Wan. She may have wanted him to have it so that she would always be with her, but he thought he would have teased her had she lived. He didn't need something of hers to keep her close to his heart. He would never forget her, and he would never lose sight of what she had meant to him.

He did not doubt that Ferus, too, would hold onto her memory and did not need the crystal. But that did not change that it was an object of comfort, and that Ferus could use that.

Edited 2015-11-02 17:36 (UTC)

Ferus could have said something in response about what Siri would have thought or said or done, something fond and sad, but he chose instead to focus on this, between the two of them, the men touched by the loss of someone who was worth far more and were brought together in their grief.

He blinked against his blurring vision. In a strange way, he realized, this wasn't about Siri. Not completely. It was about Obi-Wan too, about him daring to let go, about passing something on that he didn't want to but felt he needed to, about accepting his loss.

And that was far braver than Ferus could even begin to be right now. Far stronger. Because it was in this moment he caught on - not completely, but in a surface, barely-there way - what Siri had meant to Obi-Wan.

Swallowing, but not hesitating, he stepped forward again and embraced his friend.

"Thank you", he whispered hoarsely into his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

About Siri, about the Jedi, about Anakin, about himself. About the exile. About the damn eopie that over-ate. It didn't matter what he was sorry for, but he felt it very strongly, and yet he felt the gratefulness even more.

There was a brief moment of pause as Obi-Wan found Ferus's arms around him before he returned the gesture. He was not much of a hugging person, it was true, but Ferus was a good friend and his family. More or less the only friend or family member he had left. So while he wasn't entirely sure what to make of it, he embraced the gesture--he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Ferus with a soft sigh.

Except he wasn't expecting the reaction it would give him either.

He let out a choked noise when Ferus thanked him, then apologized, and nodding slightly. He felt like he might cry--finally, for the first time in a long time, in spite of tears threatening so often now--and he did not want to.

"It's alright," he said gently instead, but nothing else. He just hugged Ferus Olin tightly for a long moment. He didn't want to let him go, as ridiculous as the notion was. It was as if he might lose Ferus too.

And, he realized, he soon would: not forever, no, not the way that he had lost so many others, but Ferus was leaving soon. Soon Obi-Wan would be alone again. Just him in the desert with his eopies.

Smiling very briefly and very sadly, Ferus shook his head and hugged Obi-Wan tighter, drawing in a breath. "It's not", he said quietly, in a don't-kid-yourself way, but despite the tone he was accepting of that fact in the moment. Maybe it had to do with their Force connection, because he was suddenly very aware of it; it was strong between them. They'd always have that, at the very least. As the last pieces left of something that had once been grand and good, they'd always be tied together.

Still, that didn't stop his emotions. Yet peace, he thought - it'd be difficult, but he had the first step down. These feelings. Feelings that had always been carefully controlled at the Temple and then let go in all manner of ways, and here he was, unable to suppress a sob in sympathy with the fractured sound that had escaped his friend.

They both needed this. The connection, the real, physical kind, and Ferus wasn't in a hurry to step away from it.

He had his closed hand resting somewhere between Obi-Wan's shoulder blades, still feeling the warmth from the crystal hidden there.

The faint pressure and warmth was comforting, the feel of Ferus holding Siri's crystal behind Obi-Wan's back. He took a few deep breaths as he held his remaining friend and family member. He, too, felt the connection there, especially anchored by the stone. The Force was in and around them. The crystal confirmed it was there.

He nodded all the same, understanding. It wasn't, at least not entirely, alright. But he did not blame Ferus. He blamed himself. That meant that Ferus should not apologize to him. But sympathy--perhaps he didn't deserve it but he would not shun it, either.

Sighing softly, Obi-Wan slowly let go of him. He stepped back slightly, moving his hands to Ferus's shoulders. He started to speak again, but found his voice still weak. He simply nodded his appreciation instead.

Ferus didn't mind the silence. He eased back a little as well when Obi-Wan moved out of the hug, but he appreciated that the grip was back on his shoulders in place of it. It was, as it had been, centering.

Taking his own breath and keeping his eyes low for the moment, he moved his closed hand to his eyes, pressing the heel of his thumb against them to relieve the sting of tears. And once he had, once he felt ready a second later, he looked up and met Obi-Wan's gaze again, and with his free hand he returned the touch once more. A firm but gentle grip on the older man's shoulder.

Steadying each other. Ferus let the moment stretch for some time. Then he slowly let go and stepped back, and with a gentle, graceful move, slipped the crystal in his hand into a pouch on his belt.

The moment was long, but it was good. Obi-Wan felt better for it, like he was regaining control of himself and his feelings. It was not so, not entirely, but it was better. It was an improvement. He could ask for little more than that, especially when Ferus, too, was struggling so much.

He took a breath as Ferus stepped away, squeezing his shoulders briefly before he let his hands drop away. He folded them in front of him for a moment, looking away as he thought.

There was still so much to say. There was still a great deal of pain between them, both personal and shared. But at least the burden was no longer a solitary one. They would soon part ways but they would be on mirrored quests. They would keep in contact. It would be something.

He felt more than saw Ferus put the crystal away, and felt a touch of relief that that was done. He had been thinking for some time that Ferus needed it more than he, but it had been difficult to let go of. Siri had been difficult to let go of.

And yet he had never had her in the first place.

He had sacrificed love and thus a life with Siri. He did not regret that decision, or at least would not let himself. He had done as he had vowed to Siri, after all.

He thought more of Siri. He thought of Satine. He thought of others he had cared for and lost. He had known for a long time what life as a Jedi would entail. He had lost much, and now it was his duty to keep on living in spite of being one of the few left.

But he was not alone. Not any longer.

He was aware he was leaving Ferus waiting but, after a long moment, he realized he was unsure what to say.

"Have you had breakfast?" he finally asked, a touch of dryness in his voice. An inane question, but an important one.

Because they would both go on living, no matter their pain.

He spent the moment in his own thoughts, so that was alright. As impatient as Ferus had turned out to be underneath that practised patience he'd made sure to have at the Temple, he wasn't averse to moments of reflection, and he took the time to process this.

Siri.

And, of course, his thoughts always drifted to Roan if they were left unchecked.

The biggest losses in his life. It was strange to think that in a way, he'd likely come to count Obi-Wan among them.

But he was pulled out of that reverie with the question, and he looked up with some amusement as he straightened himself out.

"No", he said, and unable to resist, "I was too concerned with your eopies."

Obi-Wan scoffed slightly at Ferus's joking reply. At least they were able to tease each other again. For all the heaviness between them, at least there could be some humour and calmness.

There was so much weight on their shoulders, but they were making it by nonetheless.

He turned away, leading Ferus to the kitchen as he said over his shoulder, "so long as the reason wasn't eopie stew."

"Ah, so you are attached."

He teased again, maybe because he needed it very sincerely after such a draining moment. He did feel better for having shared that moment with Obi-Wan and he felt comforted by the gesture and the gift ... and he did feel lighter for having let some of his anger go, even if he knew he wasn't done with himself.

He probably did owe Obi-Wan a proper apology for that, but he couldn't bring himself to go back there just yet.

Shaking his head faintly, Obi-Wan smiled to himself. Yes, it was good that Ferus was teasing him. Yes, it was good that they were both doing alright (all things considered) in the face of arguments and pain. It was a start.

"Perhaps," he conceded as he fetched a muffin for Ferus. He thought for a moment before he turned to pass it over to him. Mostly he thought on his actual attachments for a moment. And he tried to remember not to remind himself of the pain of losing his attachments. It just went to show why the Jedi forbade such things. "Or perhaps I'm saving Tooh for myself," he said instead, dryly.

"You're cruel, Obi-Wan", he said lightly, accepting the muffin and taking a seat again at the table in the cramped room that went by kitchen. He leaned back with an arm draped across the back of the chair - not quite relaxed, but wishing to be, as he took a bite of the muffin and let the moment be.

Obi-Wan laughed softly at the admonishment but didn't reply directly to it. Instead he turned back to what limited supplies he had, fetching his small remaining amount of blue milk to pour them both some. He set the cup down in front of Ferus but did not join him to be seated at the table.

"Well. At least you will be well-supplied on Alderaan."

So don't ~~Force-~~throw stones, Ferus.

Ah, yes. Alderaan. So close now, and Ferus leaned his head into his arm, looking up at Obi-Wan. Still smiling, but more distant. He still had mixed feelings. He'd do what was asked of him, there was no question.

Still.

"Yes", he acknowledged, but the next joke rang more hollow. "Assuming I can learn the profession."

That wasn't the issue, of course. Bail would provide for him as he needed it, and the cover as a botanist was for show. Of course, he'd still take care to learn enough to be believed. And he'd still work. But it would take time. He wasn't sure he had that touch.

ITT: SAD JEDI

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