thesaurus | ITT: SAD JEDI

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!caitlin,
#ic

ITT: SAD JEDI

Obi-Wan stood behind the little hovel he called home, tending to Rooh-the-eopie. He watched the first of the two suns sink below the horizon, halving the amount of light that bathed the desert. Dusk was here, and soon so would night, and so too would the bad dreams arrive: the images of terrified younglings and friends dying. But he closed his eyes against the early onslaught of thoughts. There was no need to let them plague him before their time; if he let them take him at any moment at all then there was no way that he could go on.

Opening his eyes, he stroked Rooh's snout carefully, calming her as she became restless. He made sure she was secured, fed and watered, then he moved onto her son, Tooh. Tooh wasn't big enough yet to be ridden, but that was alright. When he took Ferus to Mos Eisley they could walk and he would lead the eopies with them. He could ride Rooh home, or pick up some supplies and have her carry them. But the walk there would be good for them all, he thought.

Ferus Olin was inside the hut, taking care of whatever would pass for dinner that night. It wouldn't be long now before they parted ways, before Ferus took his leave to Alderaan, but for now the company was something of a comfort. Ferus was family, though they hardly got along perfectly. Ferus mouthed off, for one thing, and questioned Obi-Wan regularly. It was a little like having Anakin--

Obi-Wan stopped his thoughts again, patting Tooh and straightening up. Ferus wasn't Anakin. He never would be. But he had come closer to becoming Anakin than either of them dared talk about.

For now there was much pain for both of them.

He stood on the hill, looking east, toward the Lars homestead in the far distance. He waited for the second sun to set and wondered. He wished he could reach out with the Force to Luke, check that all was well, but he couldn't connect to him. Shouldn't, even if he could.

It was lonely in the desert, so far from everything, even with Ferus there. In some ways, Obi-Wan thought, more so because Ferus was there, comfort or not. They had both lost so much: friends, family, purpose. More than Obi-Wan could bear, he thought some days. But now they were guardians of the galaxy's hope. It would be a long, difficult job, but Obi-Wan would shoulder that burden. He only hoped that Ferus could too. He didn't know how the young man was coping. Obi-Wan barely knew how he was coping.

The sun finally disappeared, leaving him in relative darkness before the stars began to twinkle into life. He turned his chin up to the sky, searching for familiar constellations he would never find from this remote planet. He had never paid much attention to Tatooine in the past, even knowing it was Anakin's homeworld. It wasn't as if it should have mattered. But a remarkable amount of the galaxy seemed to orbit around this little planet on the outer rim.

And here they were, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ferus Olin. Two men, stripped of everything, almost ready to say goodbye. How long would they need to hold together before peace returned?

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"Yes", he said softly back, loosely tying Rooh to one of the posts that made up the enclosure once there and leaned down to relieve her of the feed and water she was carrying. Once he had the items balanced in his arms, he went inside the hut, not sparing a look at Obi-Wan, not one at the eopie.

He felt far too open, felt the tears threatening him, and he felt uncertain in how to handle it. He thought of Veeka - not that he knew her name - thought of her sobbing against him, thought of her words and her anger, thought of the way she'd thrown that glass.

Swallowing against his own mind, he put the items on the table in the kitchen and stood there for a long moment, hands gripping the table, steadying himself. Then he took the water containers to next to the cistern, and placed the leftover credits carelessly on the table as he picked up the bag of feed again, took a breath, and exited.

Still, he didn't look at Obi-Wan as he worked, although he sensed him there every step of the way. Untying Rooh and letting her in, to greet her youngling or seek out shade or whatever else she wanted or needed to do, he deposited the feed in its designated place and then closed up the pen.

And then he stood motionless, looked up at the two suns and let them blind him for a moment.

This was difficult. This, moreso than the trek back through the desert. The thought of interaction was harder than it should have been and his steps had grown slower and heavier the nearer he got to Obi-Wan's home.

But there he was, even so.

Obi-Wan remained sitting in the sand for a long moment, letting Ferus tidy up and put things away from his trip. He basked in the heat for another few moments before he gently nudged the little eopie in his lap, coaxing him awake. The animal blinked sleepily before he spotted his mother in time for her to be released by Ferus and for her to amble over.

Obi-Wan stood as mother and child were reunited, and he felt a pang of regret. Ridiculous of him, to feel envious of the animals. He shook his head and stepped toward the pair, reaching out to stroke Rooh's head.

"Good girl," he said gently. He considered saying more--to her, not to Ferus--but decided against it, letting her have her moment. He glanced up at Ferus, but still he said nothing. Let the young man have his silence after he'd grown accustomed to it once more. He could choose when he was ready to speak to Obi-Wan again.

Drawing in another breath, Ferus closed his eyes and again forced his feelings down. They would never go away, he knew, and certainly not when they were still so violent inside him, but for the moment he could ignore them. In the silence, in that pause, he could pick something else to focus on.

"You could have picked a better alias", he settled on eventually, turning around to face Obi-Wan when he felt more in control of himself and sure that he wouldn't cry.

And though tired, there was still something clearly disapproving in the way he presented that. Not angry, but an edge of frustration.

It took a moment for the meaning of Ferus's words to sink in. Because of course his mind immediately went to the 'Ben' half--which he thought was fine--and not to the 'Kenobi' latter half. It was no wonder Ferus sounded unimpressed with him, but he simply grimaced.

"Ah. Well, of course, but I'll have you know it wasn't my choice, exactly."

It was a little more complicated than that. But of course it was still rooted in a mistake on his part.

"No?" Ferus let out a harsh sigh - not quite a huff, but getting towards that area - and pushed his hands through his hair, clearly agitated about this. In talking about it, he realized exactly how upset he was over this simple error, because it could easily be a fatal one.

It was reckless and careless to have the name Kenobi surface at all. Obi-Wan was notorious. Ferus hadn't been in the Order for years, but Obi-Wan had been on the HoloNet on occasion regardless; a revered General in the wars, for one, until they had swiftly ended with the purge of all Jedi.

And Obi-Wan was still here, like it was fine that these people knew his name.

If he was dead like everyone else, he'd be little good at keeping Luke safe.

"Then how did that happen?"

Obi-Wan of course knew it was a problem. He wasn't a fool, for all he felt like one lately. For all the many, many mistakes he had made lately. This was yet another. And yes, a dangerous one. But he felt he had little choice in how to handle it. He could move again--but he couldn't very well move farther from the Lars homestead, and Owen would have his head if he moved back closer.

He sighed.

"Kallie, Annileen's daughter. She followed her mother and I here and did some snooping. She over heard me talking to..."

The pause wasn't a long one, in the end, as Obi-Wan very quickly backtracked. Should he tell Ferus about Qui-Gon? No. He probably very well couldn't.

"Myself."

Ferus' eyes widened in disbelief, and he threw a hand out, now visibly angry. "Yourself?" he repeated, snapped it really, and ran his hands through his hair once more, taking a deep breath.

There was an immediate, nagging sense that there was more to do this than Obi-Wan was telling him, but at the same time ... if that was the explanation he was going with, regardless of whether that was the truth? He still deserved to have it picked apart.

"I don't believe this", he said in a tight tone. "You tell me over and over what's at stake, and you risk it by being careless."

Crossing his arms over his chest, Obi-Wan didn't answer right away. He frowned, but stood his ground, otherwise remained calm in the face of Ferus's anger. He was prepared to have it attacked, it deserved to be, but he was hardly going to back down.

"It was careless," he agreed nonetheless. "But I know full well what's at stake. I've made my mistakes, but I'm managing with them."

"For now", he said heatedly, turning more fully towards Obi-Wan. "But how long until they start looking? They're trying to eradicate all remaining Jedi. I was there, I know what they're doing!"

He'd been interrogated for that information several times. They'd attempted to pressure him into giving up the names of Solace - Fy-Tor Ana - and Obi-Wan both, but he'd stood his ground and instead they'd ordered his execution.

They'd turned the Temple, their home, into a trap.

And they were always watching for possible sightings, not only of Jedi, but of any Force adept.

Ferus was almost trembling with anger which in turn was only barely masking desperation and fear. Obi-Wan was an easy target here. There was a very real risk they might come across him.

And why wouldn't they? Tatooine was Anakin's home planet. As little as he'd want to do with it ... it wouldn't stay that way forever. One day, he'd turn his eyes there.

Especially if-

"And Vader- he doesn't believe that you're dead, does he?"

Obi-Wan took a deep breath as he dropped his arms back down to his side. He stared Ferus down for a long moment. What could he tell the young Jedi? Obi-Wan did not know the entire truth himself. He had exiled himself, and part of the price he paid was to be blind to much of the going-ons of the galaxy. To be blind to that which was larger than Tatooine and his duty upon it.

So truthfully, he did not understand the extent of Vader's hatred for him, or what he knew, or how hard he would be looking for Obi-Wan.

Could he tell Ferus about the conclave on Kessel? He did not know the details, but the rumours were painful. Ferus may have heard them himself, but did he suspect what Obi-Wan did? That Vader had been hoping to find his former Master there when he had slaughtered the surviving Jedi?

If that were true, Obi-Wan may have been in a great deal of danger. It meant that Vader had yet to track him down--but it also meant others had died as a result.

He felt something constrict in his chest, around his heart, and he shook his head.

"I thought that he was dead," he explained in a low voice. It was painful to think about. To remember that he had left Anakin for dead on Mustafar. "Until recently, I was unaware that he might be out there, looking for me."

Sensing that pain, Ferus took half a step back, eyes clouding as he shared it. He was still angry, and the anger was so familiar now, but it wasn't the kind that was ice and fire at once, the kind that he could weaponize.

This was his own anger. His own stupid human anger, temper that was a part of him, that he swore to never let overcome him again. He took another breath, and he shook his head.

"He was your Padawan", he said in that same tight tone, knowing this would be painful to hear, and he was still struggling with the words even as he said them, with the knowledge. He had to keep reminding himself. This was Anakin. "He was ... his Force connection ... you'd know if he was dead."

He felt certain of this. He remembered his own bond with Siri, so unshakeable until he'd turned back on the Force. Anakin and Obi-Wan must have had the same. You knew, when you were part of that Something Bigger. You had to know.

So he went on, "and he would know if you were."

Obi-Wan took a step back as the words hit him, an accusation laced in them that Ferus may not have meant but that Obi-Wan surely heard. An accusation he had heard many times before, but never from someone other than himself.

Anakin was his Padawan. He should have known. Not just that he had lived, but what had been happening to him. He should have seen and understood. He could have prevented so much.

But he had been blind.

They all had been, but Obi-Wan most of all.

Once he took that step back, he steeled himself, standing tall and staring Ferus down. There was a hint of challenge there, but it was bathed in pain and hardship.

"His connection was masked by the Dark Side," he said, voice colder than he intended. "I let myself assume." Maybe it was an excuse, though. But he tried to think back on it, on what he had been thinking and feeling when he watched the crippled body of Darth Vader catch fire on the ashen beach of Mustafar.

He'd felt a great deal of pain, both emotional and physical. He'd felt hurt and betrayed. He had feared for Yoda's life. He'd...

There'd been something else, too. Something he didn't want to examine.

He could have killed Vader then and there. It would have been a mercy kill, not a murder of a defeated foe.

But he'd felt too much, then. And too little.

Now they were all paying for it.

Just as they were paying for his blindness.

"I should have known, yes. But you can't."

"No", he said, recognising the hint of a challenge in Obi-Wan's tone and moving right past it. That was true. He didn't know what it was like, couldn't begin to touch on the idea of someone so close to him turning towards the Dark Side so completely and with such fury and momentum and the goal to kill thousands.

Something again caught inside him when his mind flickered to Roan, but he held himself in the present moment, jaw set as he stood his ground, facing Obi-Wan. He didn't feel intimidated by his stare.

This wasn't about their pain. This was about the reality of the risk they were in and all the more pain that would follow if anything happened.

So he said, "but I do know that if he finds you, he will kill you."

Obi-Wan struggled for a moment. He tried to grasp for those straws of indignation, of righteousness, before he realized that was all wrong. That wasn't what he should be doing. He let them go, feeling those threads of anger fall away.

But they had been all that was left holding back the tide of heartache that had been leaking through for the past few moments.

He looked away as it washed over him, and he fought with the memory of fighting Anakin. Vader. Of his best-friend-turned-greatest-enemy and the pain and fury in his eyes.

"I know that he will," he finally agreed, defeat and sorrow thick in his voice. Without thinking about it, he added, "he hates me."

He had believed Anakin when he had said that. And what had Obi-Wan said?

I loved you.

Edited 2015-11-16 01:56 (UTC)

"He hates his past", Ferus agreed after a moment, studying Obi-Wan a little more carefully, voice softening in response to the way the other man averted his gaze. "He wants it gone."

He wasn't sure why he felt the need to offer his perspective on this. Maybe for Obi-Wan's sake, as if that could make it somehow less personal, as if Ferus had any idea what had actually happened between him and Anakin. Maybe, mostly ... he felt that he understood how Anakin worked. How Vader worked.

He'd always had a sense for that. Even when they were Padawans together he'd known better than most what Anakin saw in himself and others. Sometimes he'd been wrong, but for the most part - and even now, years later, as the Dark Lord, Ferus had known what to say to get to him.

He'd used Senator Amidala to taunt him, to provoke him. A part of his past Vader had wanted gone so badly, and Ferus had rubbed it in his face, his failure to forget his actions, the way he had killed her.

And Vader - Anakin - had almost killed Ferus in response.

Obi-Wan was part of that same past that had him so easily provoked.

Obi-Wan nodded mutely, his arms limp at his sides. He did not look back up to Ferus. But he knew that he was right. No, it did not make any of it hurt any less; it did nothing to lessen the pain in his heart and burrowed deep within his bones. But it was right nonetheless, that this was far larger than Obi-Wan himself. He was one man, and this was so much more.

He had to look past his grief to the bigger picture, the wider problem.

Were that only so easy.

Of course, none of it was that simple either. But he could say nothing. He wasn't sure he could explain it to Ferus at all.

Ferus hesitated for a long moment, then he took a step towards Obi-Wan, starting to bridge that gap that had appeared between them.

"We have to make sure you're safe here", he said quietly. Yet there was clear emotion in his voice. He had managed to let go of most of the frustration, which left a mix of feelings he couldn't keep at bay when he swallowed and repeated something Obi-Wan had told him just the night before. "The galaxy needs you, Obi-Wan."

No slip-ups, no mistakes. They both knew they couldn't afford them. And while this one was already made and would have to be accepted, it was nothing they could risk leaving alone.

But Ferus thought there might be a fix, or a partial one.

"I can help with this."

Obi-Wan finally glanced up at that, at Ferus turning his words back at him. He smiled thinly, not happily. He appreciated the irony, nothing more. In that moment, he certainly did not feel as if he would be particularly useful to the fate of the galaxy.

But had had his role to play. He would work to right his mistakes.

"Can you?" he asked, instead of reflecting. It was calm, measured. He trusted Ferus to know what he was doing.

"If Bail agrees to leave me alone with a datapad", Ferus answered, tone still quiet despite what would have been a lighter string of words. But he felt confident and didn't hesitate over the response. He was already running data through his mind, twisting and turning the code he'd have to navigate, systems he'd have to slice into.

He had just said the other day that he'd miss slicing. While he took no real pleasure in the idea now, for the reasons he'd have to do it and the traces he knew he'd unfortunately have to leave, at least it would be doing something that he knew he was good at. It would be helping, in another way.

Even if that was likely enough to be the last time he'd do it. Another link to Roan that he'd sever.

"I can connect you to other Kenobis, distant relatives. Plant others in the Outer Rim. Leave little reason to trace you back to Coruscant." He almost said that he'd rather give Obi-Wan a new last name altogether, but there would be no benefit to that. It was no longer an option. "And if I find anything on you I can probably get rid of it. Or at least anything that would lead people here."

Yet another step in that complete exile.

Ah, of course. Obi-Wan hadn't been thinking about it--but it made perfect sense. It was what the Olin/Lands business had been all about. and they'd been talking so recently about Ferus's talents and that he might just find another use for them yet. It seemed that time would come sooner than they had expected.

It would further isolate him, but in exactly the way that was necessary.

"At least 'Kenobi' isn't a completely unheard of name," he said, indicating not that it shouldn't be done but that it would hopefully not be too difficult a job. Obi-Wan inclined his head respectfully. "I can think of no betters hands to leave my identity in."

Ferus nodded faintly when Obi-Wan gave him his approval. He likely would have done it regardless of what Obi-Wan would have said or thought, but him agreeing that it should and needed to be done made it easier. If nothing else because it was acknowledgement that he was right and of the gravity of the situation. Had Obi-Wan for any reason said not to worry or wait it out, Ferus knew he would have raised his voice again.

Now, he felt tired and upset, and he was thinking about Roan, was always thinking about Roan ... how he'd learned slicing from him, how they'd been doing system break-ins together, had watched each others' backs and had complemented each other's ideas on what to do in the sea of code that unravelled so beautifully in front of them every time they dived in.

Of how Roan was dead.

And for a moment he struggled with more words, wanted to tell Obi-Wan that he didn't think he could bear to lose him either, but he didn't.

Instead he said with the barest hint of a smile, to get away from his own feelings and to again try to repair some of the distance between them, "we can discuss payment later."

Obi-Wan let out a short, humourless laugh for that. He had seen how Ferus had struggled there, understood the seriousness. Ferus wasn't wrong; it was a great danger. Obi-Wan Kenobi was a known name. His only saving grace was, as he said, that at least his last name was not unheard of in other parts. It was the combination that was truly deadly, but of course they couldn't trust the Empire to leave any trace unfollowed. Not with Vader's hatred after him.

But he didn't say any of that, didn't thank him or reassure him that he would be fine.

"You'll have to speak to my creditor on Alderaan," he remarked instead. Because poor Bail was still paying for almost everything. Obi-Wan could hardly get a job. "Unless you take eopies."

Ferus gave a small, amused sound in turn, feeling relieved that they could move on from that fight, such as it was, and start to leave it behind. Not that Ferus felt any real fear that they'd manage to hurt each other too badly to hang onto each other now, but ...

It was also about letting go of some of his fears. This was fixable. He'd make it work, and then Obi-Wan could talk to himself as much as he'd like.

So he smiled a little and looked at the eopie pair, making a point to eye them.

"Well, Rooh has been an excellent companion today", he said with some exaggeration, but also a touch of fondness.

No. For all they might hurt each other, or had the potential to--this connection was far too important for them to sever.

But Obi-Wan was calm enough, content enough, now that they had passed that little squabble. It was impossible to banish all of the thoughts that had come with it, of course, but Obi-Wan was good enough at accepting things and letting them go that he could take this moment of peace. It would be later, when silence reigned, that they would come back to haunt him.

For now he raised his eyebrows, then stepped over to the pair of animals.

"Did she?" he asked, reaching out to stroke Rooh's snout. Addressing her, he went on, "you kept Ferus out of trouble then? Good girl."

Ferus watched that little exchange with some amusement, but then his expression sombered and he shook his head. While he hadn't been in trouble, exactly, it would definitely be an oversimplification to say that he'd stayed out of it.

"Not really", he said for that reason, thinking back on the young girl who'd broken down in tears - and less importantly, on Leelee's suggestive ... everything, as well as Wyle's clear disapproval. One thing was clear: Tatooine had a lot of characters, if not a lot of people.

He tilted his head slightly and regarded Obi-Wan more seriously, studying his profile. He'd been told to ensure, if he could, that there would be little to no reason for any others to track Obi-Wan down again. But it seemed like in many ways, Obi-Wan had managed that on his own, given the ideas some of the people already had about him.

"You didn't tell me the man you exposed died."

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